Naughty, Naughty Neighbor

Ok, maybe not so much naughty (got that in for alliteration purposes) but more like ANNOYING as fuck. Ok, this fucker, whom we shall name Kevin, because I think that’s his name, is a piece of work.

Let me rewind to the day I was signing my lease. I was over at the rental office taking care of the bureaucratic crap that goes along with signing a lease (which includes a detail check of my credit report -- I’m surprised I got the place). So Stacy, the property manager, is as any property manager does. Saying the right things, joking around, smiling, telling me things to make me excited about the place which include statements like:

- We have hardwood floors that we just restored, they’re really quite something.
- There’s PLENTY of parking on the street (that was a lie)
- Some of my staff lives in the building. You’ll meet Kevin, he might strike you as odd, but I promise you he’s Harmless.

Ok, I should have paid more attention to that last statement. I don’t want to be told that my neighbor is ‘harmless’, that’s just a red flag indicating that something isn’t right with the motherfucker. That’s an understatement. Kevin lives in the apartment below mine, and complains that I ‘make too much noise – Really? How so? I don’t play music, I don’t bunny hop around my apartment, I don’t Build Shelves around my apartment (apparently, this is his hobby; the sound of power tools is one I’ve grown accustomed to). I don’t even use an alarm. I think I am the quietest neighbor to ever exist. One day, I get a call from Miss Stacy (property manager) saying that there’s been complaints about me that she needed to address. My level of "noise-making" is unacceptable and I am in breech of my lease contract and in danger of getting evicted. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight …. That’s something I like to hear ... everyday, actually.

So, Stacy tells me that she wants to resolve this peacefully (because I usually like to resolve petty matters in a way that yields the most bloodshed, sorrow and grief). Her investigation-less verdict is that I should go and BUY carpet, and put it on my hardwood floors (that she used to sell me the fucking dump in the first place). She ‘recommends’ that the carpet covers at least 75% of the floor. Aww, that makes me sad :( , my pretty wooden floors have to get covered - I could really care less what floor I walk on.

So I said to Miss Stacy, that I’m willing to do whatever it takes to resolve it, I also asked her if they provided carpeting, I would not mind living in a carpeted apartment (thinking that as a rental property, they would go ahead and do what's 'necessary' to their rental units), her answer was NO, go out and buy some. Ok, so I go out and use MY OWN MONEY to buy a fucking rug, I had to buy 2 to ensure that 75% of the floor is covered (put them side by side, it doesn’t look as tacky as it sounds).

So fast forward, the carpet is in. My annoying neighbor-related woes are coming to an end, right? Wrong. Apparently, I am STILL being too loud. I get a visit from my beloved neighbor at least twice a week, asking me the most random shit like “Did you fall out of your bed last night? Because I heard a really loud THUMP, and was worried.” You were worried? Not only do I have an annoying and untruthful neighbor, but one who masters the art of being a passive aggressive bastard. You fucking cunt.

On another occasion, while I was watching TV, he knocked on my door, and said “Oh, I heard you building something and I was curious what you were building.” Ummm, I was building a medieval catapult, with the wheels and all.

I am now accustomed to Mr. Kevin knocking on my apartment and telling me some bullshit while he’s really complaining that I’m loud. Thankfully, this has not gotten to Stacy’s level again (or maybe it has, but I don’t think she can do anything now that I’ve carpeted my floor). Ladies and Gentlemen, this is a very shady, shady, sketchy character.

I’m probably over it, and just have to keep the peace by answering the door and acting like I appreciate the fact that this dufus is worried about me falling off my bed in the middle of the night. (Who the hell falls off their bed in the middle of the night?)