"Lick Me! Lick Me!"

Haha, this is one of my favorite movie quotes ever (The Exorcist). The scene was of course a very disturbing number that involved a crucifix, blood, private parts and a touch of incest (notable that it was no ordinary demon doing any of that … it was the Big D himself, Luci(pher) Goosey … in person …).

Crucifixes, Blood, Incest? Shit man ... how hot would my post be if I blabbed about all those? I’m sure your hump-day would never be the same, and though I have no doubt it would be well received, I will spare you all.

The post actually has nothing to do with that, but it does have a lot to do with another type of BIG D …(I know what you're thinking) but I'm actually talking about... Dogs. Ah, Man’s best friend, what would we do without them?

How many times have you walked down the street and a complete stranger is walking their dog … and for some ungodly reason, they think it’s totally fine to let their dog run up to you and lick you all over, and “play with you”. Ok, I think this is one of those things where I can truly say “Only in America”. I don’t even know where to begin talking about this, but I should probably start with if you own a dog, and are walking down a street, please do not assume it’s “cute” to let your shit run up on my shit. It bothers me beyond belief. Eventually you get tangled up on the leash and shit, and have to watch your step because you don’t want to step on the poor thing (it’s inevitable … happens EVERYTIME)… but you also have to watch your step because you don’t want to step on the dingle-berry they just deposited on the sidewalk.

First of all, I don’t know you, I don’t know how clean you are, I don’t know how clean your dog is and I don’t know where your dog’s snout has been. BUT … I do know that I don’t want mysterious slobber and gooey substances all over me. If I did, I would get my own dog and walk it, hug it, and maybe kiss it … or here’s another civilized concept, maybe I would approach you and your dog, not the other way around.

I also know that I am not going to get on my knees and give you a fake “Aww -- he/she is so cute, what type of dog is it”? Shouldn’t that be a hint that “I’m NOT Interested” …If I am TOTALLY silent, and take my eyes of you and your dog … Shouldn’t that be English for “No Thanks”? Wouldn’t it be “nice” of you to pull your leash and end my borderline misery and discomfort? That very statement though (“Aww -- he/she is so cute, what type of dog is it”?), is probably why this unfortunate occurrence ever exists.

To the people who like saying that statement: if you REALLY like dogs, go and get one. There are plenty of dogs that need loving homes. To the people who like hearing that statement: It’s not a cue for you to start talking about your life story, it’s a simple question, though very anti-social, a one word answer would suffice. Pug, Pomeranian, Dalmatian, Pittbull, Chihuahua, Boxer, Hound, Lab and an onslaught of other words are all acceptable answers.

You know, here’s another novel concept, Why Don’t we all go to a Dog Park … and Play there? You should KNOW for a fact that EVERYONE at a dog park, likes dogs, Isn’t allergic and is there in the first place to ‘socialize’ with dogs. People usually assume that anyone on the street is a dog fanatic.

Don't even get me started on the folk who walk their dogs without a leash because they've come to know and appreciate their dog as "The sweetest and most harmless, adorable piece of honey dew" or some shit like that. Are you kidding me?? I'm pretty sure that's illegal in 48 states ... Including the southern ones.

On a serious note, One time I saw a dog ‘bark’ at an older lady (Teeth out and all, this fucker was serious) and thankfully the owner was pulling the leash back but the Lady was still scared shitless. If it’s never happened to you, it’s neither a warm, comforting nor a fuzzy feeling to have some Intense fangs about an inch away just waiting to get a piece of that tasty skin and/or flesh ... Unfortunately, they both happen to be YOURS.

I’m not anti-dog, a lot of my friends have dogs (Yeah, this one’s kinda like the “I’m Not Racist, I have 2 black friends from college … and … and a neighbor too … That’s RIGHT!!!”). But seriously, I’m fine with dogs who I know have responsible owners (who I personally know). They get their vaccines, they’re not going to attack me, and their owners definitely won’t sue me if I accidentally step on their dog. But you Mr. or Mrs. Stranger-person on the street …You, on the other hand, are a totally different story. I wouldn’t touch you with the proverbial 10-foot pole, let alone your dog. It’s nothing personal, I’m sure you’re very nice and very normal … it’s just not my thing to fondle strangers on the street. (Ok, maybe that one time ...)

How would you feel if I ran up to you and LICKED YOU in the face? LICK LICK LICK LICK LICK … You like that?

Woof.

Side Note: Cats bother me even more, because they’re sorta more docile, but a bit more annoying they kinda stick to you and start getting all frisky and shit - and Cats always seem hornier than dogs, and they make you feel like they're trynna get some. Fish on the other hand, are totally cool.