Firefightin' Fool!

Today, I stopped a sure fire from blazing up the town. Yes, you are reading correctly, I can cross out “Stop a Fire” from my list of things to do before I die. Come to think of it, I can also cross out “Save a few lives” – a stretch, but it can be argued.

The fire would have started in a trash can on the street. There must have been a cigarette butt or something in the trash, but all I saw was a sexy stream of smoke billowing out of the trash. It kind of looked like Beyoncé doing that “Ooh, Aahh… stop baby, drop baby … go” dance. I approached the soon-to-be towering inferno (brave huh?) and took a look inside. Sure thing, A FedEx box was slowly catching some serious fever.

Now, came the hard part … at the time, I actually classified it as a dilemma (but later elevated it to 'SOME SERIOUS SHIT). You know how the government has terror warning alerts, GREEN, YELLOW; ORANGE, RED … etc… I employ the same tactic (because it’s very EFFECTIVE!) in my everyday life. I classify every situation in terms of ‘seriousness’ and then I assign it a color corresponding with the difficulty-to-deal-with level. You with me?

Here are the code levels:

RED: CATASTROPHE
ORANGE: Some Serious Shit
YELLOW: Dilemma
GREEN: No Big Deal
BLUE: Fuck that!

My “naughty, naughty neighbor” situation (scroll down to re-experience it) is definitely a code RED.

The trash can situation is now a code ORANGE. I know it may not sound serious, as it was probably not that much of a threat. The reason I elevated it from “Dilemma” to a “Some Serious Shit” is because I didn’t know how to deal with it. There were no fire extinguishers hanging from no trees on the sidewalk. … no fire blankets… and it wasn’t raining.

I wasn’t about to stick my hand in there and pull out the smoldering FedEx ‘Small Box’. What If I got a piece of rotten Tuna Sandwich on my hand? Who would 'firefight' that shit?!?! Not to mention, I would have probably had to throw the box somewhere on the ground to stomp on it. In doing that, there was a risk of getting cited for trashing up the city. This was definitely "Some Serious Shit", no question about it.

My quick-thinking and “good” side was busy trying to solve this dilemma. My slow, lethargic, and “evil” side … was telling me to walk away and play dumb. I think the good side won … but only because I had just finished eating breakfast. WHOA! What the hell just happened, that’s right … see I’m getting Quentin Tarantino-ish on your ass. Let me explain the whole breakfast situation.

BACKGROUND: I don’t eat breakfast; I cherish my extra 30 minutes of sleep more than damn cereal, or fruit. Instead, I usually walk out of the crib with something in hand to drink (water, coffee, tea, soda, ice-tea or whatever’s available). This bottle of ‘whatever’ is very dear to me in the mornings; I usually finish the whole thing on the way to work (gives me something to do at traffic light stops).

TODAY: For some reason, I had one of those morning breakfast bar things, quick ‘meal on the go’ deals as well as a cup of tea, so I was pretty satisfied. Out of habit, I still carried a bottle of SNAPPLE diet PEACH with me when I walked out the door. (Do you see where this is going?) I felt uncomfortable carrying this bottle of Snapple with me all the while having no desire or lust for it (In a way, it felt like I was trapped in a bizarre union with this bottle, I felt guilty about throwing it away, and I felt too lazy to take it back inside).

THE ‘REVEAL’: You guessed right, my “good” side, figured out that it would be best if I pour that thing in the trash can and put out the inferno. No mess, no fuss, and no burning Rome.

I’m a bit ashamed to admit this, but this all happened so quickly, and the Action Star in me did something weird at the end of it all. I poured the Snapple in the trash can but stopped with ONE last sip left. Then I drank that last Sip, and threw the bottle in the trash can … with conviction … and I walked away. It was very Arnold, way back before he was a republican.

The symbolism in this is much too deep to discuss. The bottle, nothing but an avatar, the tea saving the trash, and then all of them become ONE. It’s also worth mentioning that there is some miraculous intervention surrounding the events of today. Clearly. WHY, out of all days, would I have something to eat/drink before I leave my apartment today?

THE SEQUEL: Someday, the bottle, the juice and the FedEx box all visit the land-fill … and … They happen to be in the same region as … The ‘MORNING START’ wrapper and the Tea Bag. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii....

I quit.


NOTE: The moral of this story? Pretty much ‘Not a Damn Thing’ … but if I was pressured for an answer, I would say that Breakfast, is very, very important.