And it All Falls Down…

Sorry, I woke up this morning and I absolutely cannot write anything. For starters, after thinking that I had escaped the ‘cold’ season without getting sick, I get sick again. It’s probably allergies or something, but … my … poor…old…. fingers aregettingsticky from all the snot dripping down on them. Yum! (and you thought the Mayo post made you queasy).

So this all comes at a very bad time, because in about 9 hours from now, I’ll be on a train headed south. That’s right y’all … the durty durty is about to get even durtier. Wait, I forgot, I’m STILL sick – I would love nothing more than to call in sick today – but I really can’t, I have about 8 presentation boards (really, really big and tall ones) to plot out on the most finicky plotter ever … Epson 10600 … (OF DEATH).

I would quote ‘Office Space’, but I can’t think of the line right now, something about loading paper? Or Loading paper? Well, this thing will make you sweat trying to match (which WILL be checked by supa’ fine laser accuracy) the stupid edge of the paper to the stupid line on the bridge-plate-thing. It’s actually good practice for dating. How so? Well, rejection is brutal, but most of the time it’s done so weakly that you’re over it right then and there. If Rejections were done ala Epson-10600 … things would be a lot clearer. Fuck that weak shit, Let’s hear some:

”Error, Please buy me a more expensive drink”
“Error, I’m definitely cheating on my boyfriend … but not with you.”
“Error, Please meet my ‘Godzilla’ friend who will take it from here.”
“Err…or, I mean Oops, sorry, my drunk ass didn’t mean to puke on you’”

So, in 9 hours, I’m riding “The Crescent” (which I’ve never been on) heading south. Every time I take a train, I’m supposed to ‘act interested’ in the equipment, do some observational research, talk to some folks and if I’m feeling naughty maybe even some ethnographic trickery (My favorite!). I really doubt anyone would want to talk to me though, so in the name of giving our customers the most comfortable and enjoyable ride, EVER, I might just have to sleep this one out.

The ‘field research’ aspect can be fun at times but for the most part, all involved parties are sketched out by the stranger before their eyes. The easiest people to chat up are the ones you follow to the bar. You can almost always guarantee that anyone who orders 5 (there we go again) “shorty” bottles of Rum, Vodka or Whiskey will be co-operative, talkative and maybe even a little touchy-feely (only if you’re into that though). You just have to have impeccable timing and get the fuck out of their way before they very real possibility of them spewing their now-liquor-marinated and previously hearty lunch all over you.

Speaking of impeccable (and this is entirely unrelated, I meant to mention it sometime earlier, but forgot) over the past week I have realized that I’ve gained an exceedingly envious aim … with a deodorant spray can. Eyes closed, one hand, No Legs, it’s all-good … I’m a beast with that thing. I’ve made the switch from deodorant stick to spray can about 4 months ago, and I can NEVER go back. I used to fall for the intangible cue of ‘feeling the goop’, which basically means that subconsciously, you feel the gel from the stick under your arm, so therefore, it must be keeping you so fresh, and so … bearable. It is all just some undue psychosis; spray works just as well and is substantially less messy. But I digress.

I guess this all could have been worse (this post), I had a ‘stomach-flu’ scare, which if you’ve never had, is the absolute worst thing that can happen to you and torture you for days at a time. Never mind the tax on your esophageal track, or its department-of-you-know-what counterpart, the craziest part of it all is that the first day it hits you will ALWAYS be a day while you’re working. Meeting, casual conversation or just under brutal scrutiny from the corner of your boss’s eye … you will forever be known as the weird guy who just runs to the bathroom … 20 times an hour. Why are we paying him for this again?
Stay Tuned to see what I blab about while I’m suffering the ill-effects of Viral Gastroenteritis. Dramamine anyone?

Happy Friday.

Note: Happy Mother’s day to all the mamas, baby mamas’ mamas, mamas’ mamas’ forever ever … forever.