Fee, Fie, Foe, FIVE

I smell the blood of an Englishman!!! Be he Dead or be he Alive (hey, I just made a nursery rhyme that ACTUALLY rhymes). I never understood why the original was all awkward, Fee, Fie, Foe, Fum … I smell the blood of an English BUM? Fee, Fie, Foe, Fuck, I smell the blood of a …. of an…. of a “Cluck, Cluck…Chicken-head.” Don’t act all whack, kids can learn A LOT from Southern-Gangster-Rap.

So if your name begins with a J, a K, or an L, you probably won’t be hearing from me by phone anytime soon. Furthermore, if your phone number contains the number ‘5’ in it, again, you won’t be hearing from me anytime soon by phone (unless of course, you’re in my phone book, AND your name doesn’t begin with a J, a K or an L).

It’s not a superstitious thing as some of you may think, I’m not following advice from my psychic who coincidentally also happened to urge me to ‘be cautious and try to stay away’ from the number ‘5’ – But my Tax Guy said I should do the 5-5-5 lottery thing? Clearly, we have some seriously conflicting messages here.

I’ll put all that aside because I can’t think about something for more than 3 minutes, otherwise it gets stuck in my head … FOREVER. The LAST thing I want to know (from my psychic or otherwise) is how do I ‘stay away’ from the number 5? Do they walk around in red foam costumes? We’ll see. Could he have possibly been talking about the ‘5’ button on my NOKIA 3595?

Why doesn’t the ‘5’ button on my phone work? I should have everyone know that my ‘5’ button and ‘2’ button are shared; they’re the same exact button (you just push towards the top to get 2 and push towards the bottom to get 5). The 2 works great, the 5 doesn’t, making this a little harder to fathom.

I can’t bring myself to BASH Nokia because I love them. Yes, me and Nokia go way back, I got much respect for them. I think they are probably one of the only cell phone manufacturers who have not rubbed it in and made us sick of the cell phone as a technology or as a product. Most their designs are true and maintain their integrity, where as, someone like Motorola or Sony keep producing all this ‘smaller-than-ever’ JUNK that has Cameras, Keyboards, PDAs … what are you gonna add on there next, French Ticklers?

I should mention an incident that occurred a while ago when I was first moving into my apartment. When I got done lugging stuff into the place, I went to wash my hands in the bathroom, when I got there, I realized that I still had my cell phone on me. Regrettably, I placed it on the side of the sink as I was washing my hands. The unfortunate obvious happened and my phone was DEAD for about 3 days. Mainly my screen, I could turn the phone on but I couldn’t see anything - which made for a great game of Blind Dialing (I’ve actually NEVER dialed the wrong number during this period, I guess I remember the position of every single entry in my phone book (200+) – that and it also helps to know your “A, B, C’s”.

After coming to the slow conclusion that I need a new phone, I head over to the Cingular pad to get a new phone. They were all far too expensive (the ones I wanted) so I decided to play fair, and get the same model phone I have (which was still about 150 dollars or so). Then came my phone book dilemma. The girl at the Cingular store told me that it wasn’t possible AT ALL to recover my phone book because I hadn’t saved it to the sim card; I only saved it on the actual device memory. Fuck. Then she says “Hold on, let me try something” … she comes back 30 minutes later with no better news, I’m stuck up shit creek.

Here comes the miracle. I asked for her to open the new phone out of the box so I can 'See it' (what I really wanted to do is see if I can try and retrace how to blindly save my phonebook onto my sim-card). The Cingular girl didn’t know I was up to all this so she agreed. As with all new phones, the battery wasn’t charged, so I open my old phone up, take the battery out, and plug it into the new phone. Right Menu, Down, Down, Down, Down, Down, Down, Left Menu, Left Menu, Down, Down, Left Menu. Damn, I’m slick. I unplug my old phone’s battery, put it back in my old phone, turn it on to perform this High-Risk task … and …

My fucking screen works again!!! Holy Shit, What the hell just happened, I’m either really lucky, or REALLY, unbelievably lucky (I hope I didn’t use my entire lifetime supply of luck on a stupid cell phone, because remember, I still have every intention of winning a jackpot in 2007). But now it was awkward, because the lady is trying to ring me up, and I have to ‘get out’ of the deal after we went through all this trouble. Additionally, it would sound very shady, if I just say, Oh… It works now! (Which was the absolute truth) The girl would suspect that I switched some component out, or switched batteries or switched SOMETHING (which again, I didn’t I only transferred my old battery, and transferred it back).

I decided the best way to get out of this, since she didn’t see me try to save on my sim card, is to act really sad, and really devastated that I will lose this phone which I’ve grown so sentimentally bound to. So I put my head down, shook it a few times, twirled my phone on the table all while not trying to laugh AND listening to The Cingular girl repeatedly say:

“Sir, I’m sorry, it’s just not going to work, you’re a smart man, you know what happens when your phone gets wet.”

YES! Perfect, this is my chance:

”Yeah, I know, I guess I’m the one to blame, I’m just not ready for this yet, I would never be able to get those numbers again, so I’m gonna go back home now, and let it dry out for a month, maybe it will work then.”

”But Sir…”

”It’s Ok, I need to be less dependant on my cell phone anyways. Maybe this is a sign from god. Thank You. Thank you for all your help, really.”

And… I RUN out of the store with a grin "wider than victoria lake." (What a great song, "Is It A Crime" from 1986 is currently in heavy rotation).

It’s been over 6 months now, and I have NEVER had a problem with my cell phone screen, or anything else since, except now (with the 5 button – I know, you probably forgot about that because I drifted off the subject a little … don’t you just hate that).

Note: I should mention that all my phone numbers are now on my phone’s memory AND my sim-card … so should I decide that I need to get in touch with my J, K, L friends or anyone with a ‘5’ in their number, I’ll go get another phone … Yesterday I needed to call the dry cleaners to check on an order, and wouldn’t you know, their number Is 655-5551. I had to wait til’ I got to work this morning.