BELUGet the Hell out of There

"Helis" is still stuck in the delaware river.

I'm not sure how he ended up with the name Helis. It doesn't sound whale-ish, and it doesn't sound river-ish and it doesn't sound ocean-ish, so I have no idea where the Helis connection comes in. There should have been some play on the bright white whale being in this murky water. Reminds me of one night, a group of us went to The Waffle House and the waitress asked the only white guy on the table: "Do you feel like a marshmallow in a bowl of coco-puffs?"

Ofcourse it took us forever to analyze her prose and make the connection. We thought this was a menu item she was offering up, ONE marshmallow in a bowl of coco-puffs (TWH, if you ever do put this on the menu, I want a share).

The Beluga whale ended up on the river sometime this month. They say he apparently came here looking for fish to eat. I heard some saying about being stuck up shit creek or sent up shit creek or something of the sort. How fitting.

Why would you leave the ocean and come to the Delaware river of all places? It's not the cleanest river, in fact, it's down right nasty. This really makes me question the species. They're fascinating but maybe too pretty for their own good. One time, on the discovery channel, I saw a Polar bear pull a fast one on a flock of Beluga whales.

Homeboy was on the arctic tundra, hungry as a motherfucker. The water was entirely frozen, except but one little hole. So Mr. Polar bear saw the whales coming up for air (whatever it is they do, shoot water up their head) through that little hole in the ice. He just stayed by the hole, and every Beluga whale that came up for air, got their ass snatched out of the water and bitten. He was too busy to even start eating all of them at once, he would chew a little bit ... and then go back to the hole to get another one. He must have done this to at least 6 whales. Eventually, I presume the whales made their way to the local Polar bear buffet.

Shouldn't you be alarmed that your friends who go up for air, are not coming back down? If for no other reason, maybe it's as simple as "the air is bad." Why would you stick your head out there time and time again?

So, Helis, still in the river is an attraction around here. People taking pictures etc. Scientists say he appears to be healthy, but they're not sure how long he can survive in fresh-water. Does he plan on just staying here and eating until he bites it?

Another theory is that Helis is old as dirt. He is about 35 years old, and in whale years that's pretty up there. They say that's the possible reason why he's in the river. I don't understand that explanation, is it dementia? Is he shunned by his peers through natural selection? One scientist thinks this guy is in retirement.

"He may be just trying to finish his life in a warmer area," Michaud told The Philadelphia Inquirer.

What a sucky retirement package. Thank you for your 40 years of service, here is your lifetime's (what's left of it) supply of fish, eat and enjoy -- don't get too fat.

Happy Friday.

Note: On second thought, If I was offered my entire retirement in (cooked) chicken (rather than fish) - I might re-consider. They would have to come up with an ellaborate system to keep it interesting. One day it's fried, with some hot sauce, the next day it's grilled, then broiled and then baked etc.