Skinny People are Evil

I know and I hereby acknowledge that my heartless non-merciful bad-ass of a self has written the pooch-scathing post “Lick me! Lick me!”

In my defense I wasn’t addressing the dogs themselves (that would classify me as a nut-job, and I don’t like to think of myself as crazy) but I was addressing some of the more irresponsible dog owners out there blah blah blah...
So whatever, I’m thinking of getting a dog. Yes, that’s correct; I am considering getting a dog and joining the masses of dog owners out there. The thing is, if I do go through with this, it would have to fit so many criteria, and if any dog fits all my pre-requisites … well then, ladies and gentlemen that would make it ‘The Perfect Dog.’

The Perfect Dog is preferably fat with short legs (French bulldog style). This is important because my number one qualm is whether I would or would not be able to catch this dog if I need to. If it runs out on the street or runs somewhere, etc. I just want it to be humanly possible to catch up to it. Do Not Want: Grey hound, anything big, lanky and skinny. Besides, dogs are like people, the skinny ones are inherently evil.

Side Post: I must thank H.M.N. for coming up with that brilliant and well explained theory (soon to be a religion: Skinny People are Evil).According to H.M.N. the theory was derived in late 2003 (around about that time). There is yet to be a definitive answer on the exact reason why “Skinny People are Evil” but there are several theories floating about. The front-runnin’ gospel is:

”They are angry because they’re starving.”

So yeah, I don’t want an “evil” (and fast) dog. Unless….
I could use it as some mode of transportation. In that case, a really fast Great Dane, or an equally fast Bull Mastiff would be great! I’ve always had a fantasy of riding into town on a Great Dane (or Bull Mastiff) and thereby creating my own unique brand of cowboy.

I’m also big on self defense. If I could get a dog that would ATTACK (only on command of course) then I would definitely want the meanest sheriff in town. I’ll accept all of the following: a bad Pitbull, a bitter Rottweiler or better yet Cujo “The Dog of War” himself.

Running late, will continue this … at a later date
(My lyrical rhymez is too much for you to handle).

Note: Some skinny people are nice.