Suggested Bathroom Reading

I came across an "interesting" bunch of facts, and wanted to comment. It is my reccomendation, that you hereby print this, and wait until you go to the bathroom (Number 2) and don't have anything to read, and enjoy! I have been so bored in the bathroom sometimes, that I've read the contents of my wallet, ID, Credit Cards, Blockbuster's terms and conditions, Shopper's grocery Bonus Card (a great read!). This would be perfect for that... I think this would elevate my popularity among the shitters.
(Thanks J.E. for providing the time-wasting facts)

1) One out of four Americans have appeared on TV
– Yes, it’s also quite easy to explain. Half of those people absolutely HATE Simon Cowell because he was too mean to them. All Californians have appeared on “Dr. 90210” … all the “southern” people were a part of “The Simple Life’s” first season. The Asians are all over Jeopardy everyday, Hispanics on “Pimp my Ride” and of course … the show “COPS” … who went Black, and never came back.

2) 61% of all hits on the Internet are on sex
– well considering 98% of the internet is “sex” I don’t think this figure includes all the “accidental” instances of porn … I personally have had porn “accidentally” just show up on my screen … so many times (I swear honey).

3) Everyday, 21 newborn babies will be given to the wrong parents
– First of all, how is this discovered? It’s gotta be the daytime talk shows that prove this. Although not intentionally; while in the process of trying to catch cheating spouses … between DNA and lie detectors … this fact somehow gets revealed. Seriously though, I know they take them to a room afterwards … but how about tagging them with a wristband as soon as they leave home base?

4) The average person laughs 13 times a day
–It's my goal to prove this at work today, I will make a ... Spreadsheet? with tally marks and ... and... wait, that's not gonna work. Does Laughing in my sleep count? I could swear I’ve had hysterical fits of laughter during my sleep.

5) The average size of the erect penis is 5.2 inches long
– Survey says: "I must have been conducted solely on Caucasian males." Ever hear of a racehorse called Rock Hard Ten? That’s right.

6) There is no such thing as an anti-wrinkle cream
– Obviously, the person behind this fact has never been exposed to the goodness that is L’Oreal Vive … smooth Moose… age-defying.... Conditioning Wonder Miracle… Goop … Stuff.

7) 96% of women in their life have faked an orgasm
– Bad, Bad Girls…. But ever since Wilt Chamberlain died in 1999, the game ain’t been the same son … it ain’t been the same. On the real, 96% of women don’t give it up, so who cares if they gotta fake it.

8) The world’s best-known word is ok
– Ok

9) Be nice to nerds, you might end up working for one
– I’d actually be more worried about getting SHOT by a nerd before I worry about reporting to one (they’re usually all nice and happy when they’re getting paid well). This bullying business, no wonder why so many kids just go ape shit.

10) Men with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage
– I’m at a loss for words on this one, and cannot think of anything editorial or witty to include. If I were pressured … I would say: Breakfast is very, very important.

11) Women blink twice as much as men
- Yes, Betty Boop is the one who taught them that shit. But I dare to defy this survey, Mai I introduce (inside joke for the folk who can catch it) the State’s exhibit number B … I.O.N. Who must not have been a part of that survey, and is blessed with a blinking rate of 12 blinks per second (but only under pressure/ hot seat conditions).

12) Males on average think about sex every seven seconds
– That’s approximately 8228 times in a 16-hour day of being awake (I used to be good at math, but now, I can just do simple pointless calculations). The reason why men think about sex so much? Refer back to Useless Fact #7.

13) 50% of people in the world have never received or made a telephone call
– China and India! Blame them.

14) In Minnesota there is a law against men having sex with living fish
– All species? "The Law" is just a big party pooper -- making so many things not fun and shit … what a waste of millions and millions of blowfish.


15) Danny Devito is taller than Dolly Parton
– Not when she’s lying down … baby, NOT when she’s lying down. How embarrassing would that be if Dolly Parton’s Tits (oops) were taller than you?

I apologize for not enriching your lives what-so-ever ... but ...Yes! It's Friday! ! !
(I'd never pull this shit on a Monday).


Note: in the twenty minutes it took me to write this post, I have thought about sex 171 times (I told you I could do simple, pointless calculations) Can I get some points for Multi-Tasking?