A pointless recollection ... because it's Good Friday

So if you’re not aware of this, the current season of the critically acclaimed “The Apprentice” is the show I tried out for. I actually wanted to do American Idol or Survivor, but there wasn’t a casting call and I couldn’t be bothered to send in a stupid video.

The casting call came to the city I used to live in … My roommate and I, decided that we’re going for it. After about 2 weeks of preparations that included re-writing resumes, answering their stupid questionnaire and then re-writing our resumes again, casting call day was upon us.

We knew that a lot of people would show up because people, like ourselves, had nothing better to do (including neighboring cities as well). We planned to beat the crowds by camping out overnight on the cold sidewalk; shit man; it’s a six figure salary. So we got there at about 3 a.m., my roommate (shout out to M.M.) was #12 in line, and I was #13 in line. We were already dressed for the occasion so we had to figure out how to make sleeping accommodations without compromising our dapper threads. There was no way around it.

I probably slept for 15 minutes during the whole time we were waiting; we kept getting “interrupted” by some news crew. They setup a whole extravagant lighting scheme (which was very bright) and in between her frantic chain smoking, the cute reporter would do her on-camera spiel, and then say: “Let’s talk to some of those folks.” But then the camera cut and she would go back to Smoking (?) And then again …again … this kept repeating about 4 times … and it felt like she was ‘crying wolf’.

If you’re about to get interviewed on TV, you’d hope to do a good job, so we were on guard waiting for her to just POUNCE on us out of nowhere and ask us a question. I swear, I just KNEW she was gonna do that to me out of all people. I think I caught her looking over for a second to scope out her target.

And BAM! … “Sir, what makes you think you can be the next apprentice?”

OK… first of all, even though I KNEW it … she did a stellar job in surprising me and coming with it (out of no where). Second of all, I was expecting a “hi, how are you” or some ice breaking moment … Third, I was expecting to be asked my name and shit … how am I gonna explain that on National TV, and anticipating her “follow up” questions. Fourth, I didn’t think they shine the bright stadium light right in you face as they’re about to ask you a question.

You get the picture, I basically looked like a shocked deer … but in a PANIC I said:
”Apprentice? I thought I was going for Survivor.” – what I really wanted to say was ”Apprentice? You mean this ain’t no muthafuckin’ Survivor shit … Beeyatch?”

In my opinion, that was the best way to get out of the situation, I figured I would break the ice (since she didn’t) and at 5 a.m. in the morning, I should be commended for at least TRYING to be humorous.

It didn’t fly with her … she was PISSED. She said “Ha Ha, a very funny man” (and you know when people make that ridicule/fake laughing facial expression … to let you know that you weren’t really funny). Well… she definitely hit me with one of those. And then she walked off. (?!?!?!) I don’t know for a fact, but I presume that I never made it onto the 6 a.m morning news brief. How tragic.

All this was for nothing, neither me nor my roommate (who I thought would definitely at least make it to the next round) were ever called back … I can understand, I was right out of school, very little experience … etc. (but they had that one Andy kid from Harvard … who was 21 and not all that, he eventually got decimated by the two blondies in the boardroom). Surely, I had the goods more than he did. Didn’t I? Did I?

I told you this one was pointless.

Note/ Update: “Got a Jones in ma’ Bones” – I just couldn’t decide on an intro, so I went along with ‘hypnotize’ … the first 59 seconds of the song.