My Road to Stardom

I’ve always been interested in the film business. Depending on the mood, sometimes I’m more interested in writing and other times it’s more about directing or camera work … ‘cinematography’, for those non-cinematically-technical-vocabulary hip folk. Another question is whether I belong on the screen or off the screen? Behind or Infront of the Camera?

I was fooled into thinking that I would make a good actor … but let’s face it, that’s probably a misconception.

What would I act in? A drama? First of all, I can’t hold a serious face for more than 15 seconds. I always interrupt myself with a laugh, a smirk, a blink or something stupid. So picture me acting: “Mr. President, we have 30 seconds before the asteroid hits the Ea...ahahaha” – It would make me sound like the main conspirator in ANYTHING bad that’s about to happen in any movie (or, if I ever played “the president” it would go something like “How much time do we Hahahaha”).

And Comedy? I could do comedy, but I think I’m a bit too serious for that too. Either that, or again, I would laugh at my own punch lines. Have you ever seen an SNL where someone just blunders the skit because they laugh? (It always happens to whoever is acting opposite Horatio Sanz).

I think the only genre that might suit me is probably horror. Ah, yes … I can do a mean boogeyman … or maybe that guy with the chainsaw? Probably anything that involves me wearing a mask, because then, I can laugh all I want … hysterically … and all the audience would see is my uncontrollable waving of a buzzing chainsaw. The point exactly, right? But the mask always gets taken off at some point, and I have this non-menacing thing going on … wouldn’t really be a hit.

I can do the James Earl Jones thing … the most famous ‘voice’ in the world. WHY? Because he says “This is CNN” Or “This is VERIZON” (do they really have the same slogan or is verizon different?) But that would be boring … unless I get to say something cool like … “Victoria’s Secret, the world’s first weightless push up bra that has come in contact with the breasts (oops!) of Tyra Banks, Giselle Bundchen, Adrianna Lima, Heidi Klum and many, many more.” That would be hot. (Also, I do have a good “phone voice” – refer back to yesterday’s post).

What about ACTION? Could I be an action hero? I did do that funky thing with the bottle of Ice Tea in “firefightin’ fool” … that’s surely gotta give me some street cred. Right? I probably wouldn’t want to be the main action star … Not only do those people have to go to the gym for 8 hours a day … they usually end up having to jump off buildings, and walk through fire, so they can reap the accolades in their promo interviews. “Yeah, I totally drove that car right through the explosion man … go see my movie/ near death experience…one in the same really.”

I can play the rich mobster/ bad guy in an action movie; I’ve been told before that my seated stance communicates a sickening level of wealth, cold heartedness and a definite goal of world domination in mind. (N.T.’s theory)

Let’s go back in time, how would I do as a Silent Film star? Well? I don’t think that’ll work either … those people move pretty damn fast and have some non-standard human reflexes. It reminds me of the “BRILLIANT!” Guinness commercials. Besides, who would want to be in washed-out black & white? That’s definitely not the in thing these days.

Theatre/ Stage? Nah, the last time I tried this, age six, I pushed a kid (one of my best friends back then) off the stage because he had the role I wanted. We were doing a production of Mr. Men… and I was cast as Mr. Happy… but I wanted to be Mr. Strong … and I guess I was out to prove my strength (!?!?!?!) The experience wasn’t pleasant for anyone, and my on-stage “chemistry” has suffered a great deal since. Can I get points for ‘Ambition’?

Note: To Javier, if you read this, I’m sorry, I’m older now, a bit wiser; I shouldn’t have taken advantage of your costume (arms, legs and head sticking out of a red-painted box, to convey the ‘muscular’ qualities of Mr. Strong) and pushed you in the middle of the play, but I STILL think I should have played Mr. Strong.

What about some Documentary/Mockumentary action? It wouldn’t really be acting; it would be the same as going on reality TV and then thinking you’re a celebrity. Unless… I get to tackle some deep subject matter such as … a president, a fast-food chain or … classic porn blockbusters.

Oh yeah... what about Porn? Hmm … only the HARDCORE shit (ala “Ghetto Booty 6”).

Ladies and Gentlemen: I have narrowed down and exhausted every possible avenue for me to become an acting power-house/household name … and it definitely looks like it ain’t happenin’ anytime soon.

What would anyone in my position do in this situation? There are no fellow six year olds to push and definitely no chainsaws to brandish.

Errrrrr…Ummm….

“Damn, even though I lost, I still look good.”