My Neck, My Back...

Lick My CD-wrapping and my Track (???!!?) -- (Lame on me!)

I’ve been pondering this for a really long time – Basically whether or not I should treat myself to some Swedish Massage Action. I have never had a massage, but I hear it comes in high recommends. I don’t know the specifics either, but the Swedish one sounds fun (even though I don’t suppose this is the one that comes with the “happy ending” option – is that legal in the U.S.?). What about the deep-tissue shit? There’s also the Japanese/ alternative-lifestyle-because-I’m-non-mainstream Reiki stuff.

At times, I feel like I really need this, badly. Sometimes I’m really sore everywhere (My neck and My Back) and I think a good “Swedish Massage” would be the hotness. There are several reasons why I’m so hesitant about this (In the order of most to least worrying):

1) Is this going to hurt? I understand no pain, no gain … but this is not one of those things where the pain is going to surpass the gain – right? I don’t mind some mild pain, I wouldn’t even mind letting out a few manly “Ooohs or Aaahs” (see #4).

2) Is this something that is just going to knock me out cold for hours? I know it’s a stupid question, but it would be nice if I could get up afterwards and continue to live my life.

3) I’m paid … but I’m no trying to go broke anytime soon – will this be like hiring a lawyer and paying more than $200 per hour?!?! If that’s the rate, will I stop being billed when it’s over? Or will I continue to be billed even if I pass out for a few hours?

4) Is this a guy thing to do? How masculine is it to have a Swedish massage? Furthermore if this will indeed hurt to a sickening point, I could do without the embarrassment of my 12-year-old girly screams.

5) Is there the possibility of any irreversible side effect? (I like how this is the least of my worries). My hope is to do this and still avoid all slipped discs, a punctured pancreas, a torn kidney(s) and/or any alveolar dysfunctions. I happen to like all those body parts.

I think to combat all my worry and uncertainty I need to go somewhere REMOTE and have this done. No one can hear me scream, cost of living is cheap, so the service would be comparatively cheaper, and … if all else fails, no one ever has to know (unless I spill the beans during my always eventful sleep). So, I think I should go somewhere like Cheyenne, Wyoming. Fuck Yeah! Ain’t nobody going to be in Cheyenne, Wyoming, and I bet it would be cheap as shit, remote, and just all the fucking way out there. They would LOVE to have me out there AND also, they will not inadvertently rupture my pancreas.

However, this all brings up another worry.

Who exactly will be giving me this massage? Not that this is a lifetime commitment, but I am probably pickier than I realize when it comes to who’s puttin’ on the rubbin’. First off, I would hope it’s a female. It’s not that big of a deal, I’m secure enough with my nutbag (D&E shout-out)… But I would prefer a masseuse, she could stand and do the whole Lucy Liu thing. I definitely don’t want “Bubba” trying to stand on my back. Furthermore, is this going to be like a Cameron Diaz? Or a Camryn Manheim? Again, not that it matters, I’m not that superficial … just wonderin’, just curious.

Actually, I think the ideal person to do the job would be someone like Robin Givens. She’s so small and I bet could do wonders to my neck … and back. I think I should probably wait ‘til the next time Tyson’s in jail before I have any such fantasies. I don’t wanna be the reason why he goes there again. But she’s definitely someone who could stand, stomp and march on my vertebral range.

More on the topic at a later date.

Note: I'm also pretty sure this is done in the nude thing, right? Well, I should let all know that I have no problem with nudity, what-so-ever, just incase you ever wondered.