The Perils of Vanity

Alright, so we’ve all done it: Google your own name and see how it’s goin’ down. Right? Please, don’t let me be the only person who’s ever done this (not that I mind being so narcissistic and self-indulgent). I think it's a pretty common thing this day and age. There's even a name for it? Self-Google?

But anyhow, I’m sure a lot of others’ experiences are not as traumatizing (?), Interesting, to say the least, as mine.

First of all, no wonder my phone is tapped and my mail has about 3 days delay on it (maybe more). The first thing that shows up is all these politicians. There’s another “Nafie Nafie” (this one’s actually Nafie A. Nafie). This other Mr. Nafie shows up as a “Chief of State” and is the minister of the Federal Rule in The Sudan. (I knew that though). The thing is he has no relation to my family and I. Not even remotely. That family is definitely bitin’ & crampin’ on the style, the hotness.

But this guy is probably some big wig for him to show up #1 on the Google search. So, I wouldn’t be surprised if the U.S. department-of- you-know-what thinks that this is all too coincidental. This helps explain why I always hear a click and conversations in the background when I answer my phone, or make a phone call. (it’s really hard to hear the Domino’s girl on the phone when I hear an entire office in the background – and no, It’s separate from the domino’s background noise, I’m pretty sure the office noises start a split-second before the Domino’s girl answers).

Then there’s the Doctor. Dr. Lawrence A. Nafie (not from The Sudan). Mr. L Nafie is apparently a DISTINGUISHED PROFESSOR of Chemistry and Biology, PHYSICAL, BIOPHYSICAL AND ANALYTICAL CHEMISTRY at Syracuse (?) and THE MAN to go to for anything related to the "Theory of Raman Spectroscopy". Ahem. Nice. NOW, the U.S. department-of-you-know-what thinks I might be related to a super-physicist-molecular-chemical-biophysical-stuff expert. Charming. Well, again, no relation. Dr. Nafie seems to be of Caucasian heritage, and bares a remarkable resemblance to Chuck Norris. (Nice!)

I think the third result is about an Iraqi contractor named Nafie who was the victim of a brutal and merciless beheading (R.I.P). Again, it’s a little discomforting these days to have the words “Iraq”, “Beheading” and “YOUR NAME” all be part of the same sentence. No? So, The U.S. department-of-you-know-what could easily mistake me for someone who’s either been a perpetrator or a victim of brutal human rights violations in the land of Saddam.

There’s also Mr. A. Nafie (Egypt) who is profiled as a “Clarity and Enigma”. I’m not quite sure what that means, but it sounds very religious. I think it’s something to do with journalism though (?). Whatever it is, THIS Mr. Nafie is photographed with super-political figures including (but not limited to) Hosni Mubarak, Robert Kennedy and Yasser Arafat. What does it all mean? Well, if I were the U.S. department-of-you-know-what, I would surely be suspicious of the fact that Mr. Nafie has had contact and is photographed with Yasser Arafat.

To Google’s credit, there’s a few “non-menacing” results show up. Case in point, interior decorator Coral Nafie. Bless her heart, Coral will tell you everything you need to know about “How to Choose the Right Paint Color.” There’s also a fascinating piece about “How to Make a Small Bathroom Seem Larger”, definitely a common “dilemma” for every American household. It’s a stretch, but Coral is probably an expert in building interiors and shit like that. I don’t know if that’s alarming enough to the U.S. department-of-you-know-what, but I highly doubt it.

So, I think the U.S. department-of-you-know-what should associate me with Coral Nafie and somehow UN-TAP my phone, and let me get my mail in normal time and circumstances. Eh? Sound good?

And what about Google Images? Well, this one is even more disturbing. First off, there’s a very strange looking cartoon/ caricature, which definitely seems to carry some heavy-ass subliminal undertones (possibly satanic, possibly political, possibly personal – I’m not quite sure).

There’s an ultra-sound image of a fetus, I’m not clear on the gender of the fetus; a picture of Dr. Nafie (definitely looks like Chuck Norris) and alas, a GREAT building: The Snøhetta Bibliotheca in Alexandria, Egypt (this one shows up in page 2) but man, what a cool building. I wonder why it shows up under Nafie.

What I would really like to know is where is the REAL Nafie in the middle of all this mess? I’m obviously not important enough to be on the top of the Google search results … Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, I think I have a new Life Goal: To be The Number One result showing up on Google. I don’t know, it sounds lame, but I think I have my work cut out for me. I’m an Industrial Designer and I have to somehow trump Doctors, Politicians, and god knows what else.

Nothing would curb my Attention-Hungry-Hyper-Ambitious Capricorn nature, like being #1 on Google. Mmmphhh -- I can just SMELL it. Shit.

(by the way, will my blog ever show up on Google?).

Note: I’m glad no-one in Hollywood (big or small) is a “Nafie” – How much would it suck for my life goal if my name was something like Tom Cruise?