H&R Fuck

Well, I know the reason why everyone in this country is going to end up in Jail! A little thing called the IRS. This is definitely the most complicated wad of drama I could possibly think-up/ imagine. That’s something considering that at times I can get alarmingly morbid and disturbing. But this would definitely trump me any day.

Ok, this phenomenon not only comes with the threat of dealing with the IRS (and their attorneys) but it also comes with an out-right FELONY (or several actually) waiting on your ass. That’s a bit too much pressure don’t you think? It’s not as easy as 1, 2, 3 or A, B, C or whatever the Jackson 5 said.

First, it would help if “they” printed their instructions on W-4, W-2, W-8 and W-hatever the fuck else in a font bigger than size 6. Who the fuck is supposed to be able to read that shit?!??

If you satisfy any of the following three conditions you will DIE a) if you are single b) if you are married c) if you have a job d) if you are unemployed. Either way your ass is going to die a painful and horrible death (with no funeral) if you agree to the terms (otherwise it’s perjury) please check the box [ ]

This is so complicated that you’ve got a ‘Seasonal White-Collar Firm’ making some serious bank from the whole deal. Nice. All the props to the H&R Blo-odsucking (?) bastards. I love your brilliance! I think H&R Block’s employees work something like 4 months out of the year (Ken Jennings got that question WRONG on jeopardy – why would you ever pick FedEx? Do you not get fruitcake on Christmas?). Sorry, I digress but what happened to the other eight months? I have no clue; it would certainly be one hell of a vacation package if you ask me.

My woes probably trace back to a piece of paper I filled out more than a year ago (one of about 676 papers you fill out with a new job) nonetheless, I don’t remember what it was, and I don’t really remember what I put on there. I guess it’s true, tough lessons are learned the hard way, the next time I’m asked to fill out ANYTHING, I either a) want my attorney present or b) would like to take it home and bring it back in 6 months.

It’s all on the spot too, Human Resources chic is staring over your shoulder, the boss is waiting for you to get done with HR so you can get along with your day and do what you’re getting paid to do. It’s just a Lose/ Lose situation anyway you look at it. What was I supposed to do? Improvise? OK!

Picture this, your first day of work, taking care of paperwork, the regular routine (No, I have neither used, manufactured, possessed nor distributed any narcotics … etc, etc.) and then comes TAX stuff … Uh Oh …

“Excuse me, I’m so sorry, I graduated with honors but … I have no fucking clue how to do this or what to do, you guys just hired a straight up IDIOT. Dumbasses.”

Or:
”I actually CAN’T read. Is there a way you can do this for me? I’ll buy you lunch you nice, nice Mr. or Ms. HR-person”

And this one always works:
”Lo Siento, No hablo inglés” (but be warned, these days, they have EVERYTHING in Spanish as well as English) So… No hay nada que puedo hacer.

The thing about it, is that the shit will always come back to bite you in the ass (HARD!) come this time of the year. You can definitely count on some added stress (but I’m totally cool, not even a single bone of mine is stressed… No, really…). And why does everyone at work seem to have a “Friend, who’s a CPA” who just happens to be “Doing my taxes for me” … Where the hell are my friends? I know a Personal Trainer (shout out to the Swiss Miss), a Doctor-in-training (Hong Kong in the house), An Ornithologist (yeah, look that one up, Beeyatch), and many, many more, but no CPAs.

I’m cursed with too much of a “fragile psyche” (as D.S. pointed out) to battle the undefeatable evil that is TAX SEASON! On the bright side ... ‘LOST’ is airing a few new episodes for the first time in 2005.

Note: For some reason I remember that I’ve always confused the IRS with the IRA (that Irish one) our most recent addition to the World’s-Super-Terrorist-Groups. Hmmm