Pink Delirium

Mystery Solved. Over the past couple of weeks I have watched my wardrobe slowly dwindle down to something like 1 pair of pants and 2 t-shirts. The Reason? Well, a mysterious ‘RED’ substance has been getting it’s Jones all over my threads.

It drove me absolutely nuts. My clothes would ‘suddenly’ have large splotches of red appear all over them and I couldn’t figure out what the fuck is happening. I bought a couple of brand new shirts (as opposed to buying shirts that are old as dirt, you know) and didn’t even get to wear them because the splotches … OF DEATH, done gone and got a hold of my new shirts.

The obvious (and incorrect/ unlikely) scenarios were all quickly over-ruled. Was I bleeding? I’m pretty sure I haven’t been STABBED recently, so NO, I wasn’t bleeding in my stomach area. Was there another piece of Red clothing contaminating its friends, in the laundry or otherwise? Nah, the only Red thing I have is a pair of shorts and they don’t ‘shed’. I went all out and setup a whole experiment to determine so, beakers, test-tubes, cotton balls, variable temperatures of water and I even had a lame bar graph all worked out in my head, just incase.

So what the hell -- where’s this shit coming from? Oh wait, NOW it’s all over one of my two carpets that I was forced into buying in post #2 of this blog (You know, because carpet has been found to have incredible sound-barring capabilities). For fuck’s sake, I just want to pack up my clothes that haven’t been splotched, my iPod, my toothbrush, my hot sauce, my ‘hotness’ Ogio backpack and MOVE. Different apartment, Different City, Different States, whatever, it’s all gravy.

Wait, I can’t take my 70-dollar Ogio backpack? Tell me ANYTHING other than my precious backpack is now screwed. Not only is it ROYALLY screwed but it all hit me like the proverbial Ton of (red) brick and as it turns out … that’s the motherfucking culprit – RIGHT there. Every piece of clothing that I’ve put in that bag is ruined.

The only problem now, is that the bag is Brown with some Black and has what amounts to ZERO red on it … are we back at square one? First of all, after scolding it and cussing my brains out at it (I like cussing at inanimate objects, it’s good for the soul) I put the bag on probation, or ‘QUARANTINE’ in the most remote (non-carpeted) corner of my apartment, it’s still sitting there.

Upon further investigation of the contents, which include: every type of screwdriver imaginable, every iPod accessory there is to own, Blank CDs (just in case), 20 dollars worth in quarters, A bottle of hot sauce (also, just in case), Ski Gloves for when it snows during that ONE day of spring when it ALWAYS snows and just a bunch of other shit that I would divulge, but won’t for fear of sounding “too weird”. Still no red, however, among the (seriously, I counted this) 42 types of writing/ drawing instruments I have in there, was a pink Hi-liter. A fucking Pick Hi-liter with the cap removed, and the ink all soaked up leaving nothing but a drying and starved felt tip.

First of all, I don’t even believe in Pink Hi-liters. I think Pink, Blue and Green are all too dark to successfully Hi-Lite with. The ONLY acceptable hi-lite color would of course be the fluorescent yellow. I have no idea why the fuck I had that Piece of Crap In there. Furthermore, WHY does pink hi-liter ink turn into weird blood-shade RED when it comes in contact with Fabric? I’m profiled enough and attract enough attention as it is, the last thing I need is to walk around the town like I’m Lecter looking for dessert.

The saddest part of all is that I now have to go back to my old and gargantuan caveman P.O.S. bag that I have to tie shut because the little ball draw-mechanism is broken. Logically, I would go and buy another new bag, but you know, I kind of need something less “Bloody” looking to go to work in.

Note: In an unrelated topic, SHAKIRA is finally back, and she’s back to her hypnotizing ways in “La Tortura” (I really tried to type HIPnotyzing but word has this auto-correct bullshit going on – well, auto-correct or anti-lame, depending on how you look at it). Welcome Back.