Cinco De Mayo

Damn, I should have written that stuff about the number ‘5’ today, I just didn’t think it through nor did I have the needed foresight. So … to remedy the situation, I decided that in today’s post I would write about the Mayo part instead, as a tribute to our Mexican friends. May is a relatively dormant month, not much to say there so how about I make this about Mayo (The 'bad' kind).

Mayonnaise is my 2nd favorite condiment. Like hot sauce (UNDISPUTED #1), it makes EVERYTHING better the only reason it comes in second place is because of all the fat content, and calories (It does however, get extra points for being Carb-Free). I think it’s such a misunderstood condiment though, especially in America. God forbid your fat ass from ordering ‘extra mayonnaise’ on any sub or sandwich. The evil skinny people are surrounding you, their eyes light up in shock and their mouths contort in disgust. Some will even have the audacity to put their hands on their chest ala "Dios Mio!"

Well, go ahead and stick yourself, with your silly little olive-oil and vinegar shenanigans. No wonder you guys are angry all the time. Your choices of condiments limit you to Subway and umm… maybe Quiznos … but your leafy arugula, low-fat cheese and oregano sandwich still ain’t gonna taste as good as my Double Whopper, extra cheese (No Bun) heavenly delight. So suck on that for a little (don’t worry about nutritional info, you may spit it out afterwards).

Mayo sure beats mustard. The flavor is so much more subdued and it doesn’t really have that I-Might-Make-You-Throw-Up-If-You-Eat-Too-Much-Of-Me aftertaste to it. Besides, Mustard just doesn’t ‘look’ good on anything. Why is it so… yellow? I’m pretty sure it’s processed to the T, so I will not accept any arguments of the mustard seed having an effect on the color of mustard. Clearly, there’s some food coloring business going on to make it MORE yellow, so why couldn’t they have picked a less childish/ nausea-inducing (one in the same really) color. I’m picking at mustard in an especially harsh manner, don’t know why exactly but I’m probably filled with subconscious bitterness that I was only getting paid 7 dollars an hour and still being asked to “please put a smiley mustard face on my sub.”

Don’t get me started on the ketchup folk (I used to be a ketchup person, but then I saw the Light…err… Light Mayo?) Ketchup folk are absolutely crazy. HARDCORE. Like I once used to, they really do add ketchup to EVERYTHING … Eggs (very good with ketchup), Rice, Pasta, bread and salad - what’s next? Ketchup Pie? The rice thing is more out of necessity though, It’s sort of the poor-ER man’s version of rice and beans … you don’t have to pay for the beans, just go and grab handfuls and handfuls of ketchup packets from your local fast-food joint.

I think one of the ‘craziest’ concoctions I’ve devised with ketchup would be Ketchup on Ramen Noodles. I’m about to hurl all over my keyboard just thinking about it. In my defense, I’ve always thought Ramen Noodles have too much spice/flavoring in that little packet of spice/flavoring … OF DEATH. So, logically, I think I convinced myself that adding ketchup to it would offset the overpowering ‘zest’ of God-Knows-What-The-Fuck-Is-In-This-Packet. Because you know using half the packet would be wasteful, and that’s not good. (Don’t try to propose this ‘save the other half’ for later business … it’s IMPOSSIBLE, I’ve thought about it endlessly. You save the first half packet, next time you eat Ramen you will have a brand new unopened one, which you will have to save. The NEXT time you eat Ramen; you will be left with a total of 1.5 packets of spice, 2, and 2.5 and incrementally so on).

Last mentionable, but not least mentionable with ketchup is that it’s messy. Mayo on your white shirt? No problem, get you some Bounty (or underwear, or socks, or whatever) … Ketchup on your white shirt? You’re screwed. You need Tide, Clorox, Snuggle and Quarters … a financially taxing quartet because you know; washing machines and water are usually free – at least for me when I drive down 95 with endless loads and loads of laundry to do.

Hey Dear Oldest Bro and Dear 2nd Oldest Bro, do you think either of your washing machines can remove Pink Hi-Liter blotches? Oh … and Dear 3rd Oldest Bro, No, I’m not going to try Rubbing Alcohol on ANYTHING else. Cut it Out.

I could go on and diss every other kind of condiment, but the fact that I have left their ass unmentioned is fulfilling enough. In a nutshell, they all sound like stripper names (Hollandaise and Tartar), Animal DooDoo (Horseradish, Cocktail) or some god forbidden utterly and disgustingly contagious disease in your department-of-you-know-what (Lox, A1 and Vegemite).

Note: Some skinny people are nice, and thereby don’t need to stick or suck anything anywhere.