A Can of Whoop Ass

Oh for fuck’s sake, all I wanted was a quick and somewhat ‘healthy’ dinner. But no, you see, even the most minute of details in my life have to be planned to sickness or otherwise it just will NOT work out. Leave that misfortune to me, the person with the least amount of planning-ness in them. Not a single ounce. Calculating? Sure, why not … in a bigger picture sort of way … but I can’t keep track of every, single, little thing … (OF DEATH).

Before I explain, I would just like to mention that this is the SECOND time this happens to me, and I’m usually decent at learning from my mistakes. I went grocery shopping about a week ago, and grabbed the usual … walking down the processed foods aisle, I decided to be spontaneous and grab a couple of cans of Tuna fish and a couple more of Chicken Breast (don’t ask, I thought I’d give it a try). So fast-forward to last night, rummaging through my kitchen for something to grub on for dinner, and Voila … Tenemos Tuna Fish in the cupboard! The excitement was just indescribable; I probably even salivated just thinking about replacing the ‘IN WATER’ part with ‘IN HOT SAUCE’.

Well, I setup the plate, utensils, and all the necessities and … oh shit, I don’t have a can opener.

Now let’s rewind back to the first time this happened to me. I bought TEN (10) cans of Tuna fish as replacements for my bad snacking habits. Tuna is relatively healthy, and filling, and ‘quick’ and ‘easy’. I’m unloading the grocery bags and all of a sudden realize (the 1st time around) that I can’t open them. I remember being so devastated at the realization (I was over it until last night). So my Tuna snacks became lunch, and everyday, for the next 9 business days, I took a can to work (where there’s a can-opener) and lunched on Tuna.

HOWEVER, and this is the important part … I could SWEAR that I went out and bought a can-opener, just in case. I am actually going to go ahead and say that I could also SWEAR that I’ve used my can opener at home to eat the tenth and last can of Tuna fish that I had. So … where the fuck is my can opener? I’ve heard and probably tried the whole “You know, you could use a knife to open a can” thing … but that’s just stupid. Where are we? The Amazon? And besides, speaking from experience, that is a relatively dangerous and high-risk stunt to be pulling (especially if you aren’t out to prove that “evidently, fear is not a factor for you”).

It really isn’t a sense-making stunt either. Logistically speaking. Are you supposed to tap the knife with your hand? Well, I only have two hands and one of them (the one that usually ends up with a knife stuck in it) holds the can firmly on the counter, the other hand has the task of ‘steering’ the knife. So tapping the knife will just get you nowhere. You can also give up on your knife’s sharpness after this operation. Even the knives they show on infomercials (that cut aluminum cans) would probably choke.

I looked everywhere for the can opener but with no luck. My Tuna (and chicken) cans are just sitting there and I ate some other whack thing for dinner.

I SHOULD have just bought the damn pouch thing. Rip it, and eat it. They just seem so ‘skimpy’ though, perhaps it’s just a perceptional thing they probably have the same amount the cans do. WOULD it be possible for the Tuna folk to make Spam-like cans with that flip thing on top? COULD there be a more useless yet so important object than a can opener? What I also should have done is borrow (ok fine ... steal ... if you wanna be that harsh) that can opener from work.

I am definitely going to buy a can-opener today and keep it in the fridge. I’ve always thought that things won’t get lost if you keep them in the fridge. They tend to get lost everywhere else around the house and you end up biting it … but the fridge is right there to save you. I’ve actually started keeping objects in my fridge and it’s cool but I guess I started too little too late.


Note: Is there some other ‘genius’ way of opening a can of Tuna? I was thinking what if I boil the can, and then put it in a bowl of ice, repeat until the thing ‘pops’ (like Popeye’s spinach). I would gladly give up the ‘freshness’ of my Tuna just to open the damn thing.