Encore ... Do You Want More?

Alright, alright - I feel like a ‘cop-out’ and I would hate for all to think that this morning's (initial) post was out of laziness and a not-in-the-mood-to-write attitude. Okay, maybe a little bit but I really wanted to share the secret stuff, I think it’s great. So here is my lunch hour sacrificed yet again in the name of talking some shit. WHAT? WHAT?

If you don’t live under a rock, you know that Vonzell (BabyV) left Idol last night. Even though I said I would, I am not going to give America Idol the satisfaction of jonesin’ me and evoking my wrath – instead, I’m going to talk about happy things, like BALLOONS!

I think balloons are disgusting (most of them) especially the ones that ‘POP’. The loud BANG is somewhat acceptable if it wasn’t for the SPIT-SHOWER (…OF DEATH) that comes along with it. I am now painfully aware (and I think somewhat as a child) that the spit belongs to that ‘SOMEONE’ who inflated the balloon. What a scary, scary thought.

(I guess I’m talking mainly about the balloons you have to mouth-to-mouth).

Well, who usually inflates-up (can I say that? It’s sort of a cross between INFLATE and BLOW-UP) those balloons? Clowns? Clowns are kind of strange and scary to some people (shout out A.P. … you fucking wuss). Thing is that you KNOW clowns are just weird. God knows what they do when they’re not all painted up and goofy, what if they …LICK things? Like their over-sized dumb red shoes after they've come out of the bathroom. Clowns are just weird.

Kids inflate balloons too. The past 2 weekends I have been at venues were children were present. I spent the subsequent weeks worrying that I had ‘PINK EYE’. My eyes hurt and I couldn’t really open them for prolonged periods of time, they were itchy and they were dry. My point is that KIDS get each other and everyone else around them SICK. It’s what they do; they’re professional grade at it. Little rascals. So the next time you get sprayed by Balloon-Spit just keep in mind that depending on who inflated that balloon, you have a VERY good chance of contracting:

1) The common Cold
2) PINK EYE
3) The Stomach Flu
4) The Common Cold, Pink Eye AND the Stomach Flu

In general kids are just all-gross and not too good in the department of homeland cleanliness, the good news is that kids ALWAYS want to inflate the RED balloons ... they give themselves away. So, just stay away from the red balloons.

Adults inflate balloons as well. Well, Adults do very adult things … I would probably rather contract PINK EYE than come in contact with the spit of some adults (who regularly engage in very adult things) that I know –I could go on and describe what a dirty, dirty thing the adult mouth can be. A lot of adults are blowing more than just balloons … and I don’t know when exactly that balloon was inflated, WHAT IF … you know what, I’m just gonna cut this one off right here.

Regardless of who inflates the balloon you are certain of one thing. If the motherfucker POPS in front of you, you’re invited to a mandatory front row person-who-inflated-this breath sampling. I’m probably being over critical, balloons can be fun and I really liked them as a child – but now they’re just one of those things that are boring objects. Even the ones that contort into “Doofy the Dog,” “Geoff the Giraffe,” or “Bonnie the Bird” … So What? Whooptee-Fucking-Doo. I guess we all grow out of things.

Speaking of the balloons that you twist up into animals, not only was I NEVER able to make anything out of those balloons but I also found that those sausage-like balloons were just IMPOSSIBLE to inflate. Do you know how many blood vessels I popped just huffing and puffing away at nothing? Perhaps that is why I’m a little bit bitter? Hmmm? Who Knows?

The helium balloons are cool. I know everyone’s probably inhaled helium and Donald Ducked themselves into fool-making. One time, we had an entire TANK of helium for a project that involved making flying objects … our teacher was so perplexed that he needed to order 2 more tanks of helium, yet he wasn’t seeing the flying magic. That happened in our junior year of college.

Note: As I child, I was under the worrisome impression that if I hold on to a group of helium balloons they will LIFT ME UP into the air … haha, I got over that one quick and now I just laugh at that idea … WHY DON’T YOU TRY LIFTING ME NOW you sorry bunch of balloons.