Number One

Oh, if you only knew how much I hate to deviate from my crack-of-dawn ritual. I just overslept this morning (big time) and by the time I woke up I barely had time to get ready. It was one of those days where you brush your teeth while you’re taking a shower. Am I the only person who occasionally pulls that stunt? If so, I hereby defend myself in the name of punctuality and … I don’t know, say…. saving water so we don’t have to cut down more trees.

But if that strikes you as odd, I’m going to go ahead and call out all the other folk who do ‘worse’ things in the shower. Like Urinate. First of all, I would hope that’s just a guy-thing. It’s so tempting and ‘easy’ in a down-right nasty kind of way. I remember having this conversation at school with my studio neighbor and all of a sudden it turned into a building-wide poll that amazingly split the jeering Ooh-and-Aah crowd in half.

How many of you boys urinate while taking a shower?

You see, I live alone but I still don’t do that. If the thought of your poor and unsuspecting significant other walking on microscopic remnants of your urine doesn’t discourage you from doing it, then you should at least be self-ABSORBENT enough (no pun intended) to not want to step on (even though your own) urine. No? I suppose if I ‘HAD’ to pick … I could live with stepping on my own urine.

So, I’m just realizing as I write this … this topic is kind of nasty. But I’ve probably said worse and don’t suppose any minors are reading this here “Downfall of Civilization”. We’re all adults and can discuss things in an adult manner. At least give me SOME credit for using the word “urinate” – If I didn’t know better I might even have to say that’s a medical term. With that out the way, what about Peeing in the sink?

How many of you boys pee in the sink?

I actually don’t suppose a lot of guys do this. It just doesn’t make a lot of sense when you have the toilet bowl right there. HOWEVER, I am 100% certain that in-public (by public I mean seedy, overcrowded college bars) … all bets are off. The worst feeling is “having to go” and being stuck behind a line. The urinals are occupied by drunken men puking … the stalls are occupied by drunken men …also puking and your world is just not brightening up. Well, you could go in the trash-can, someone has already ‘christened’ it by puking in there, but you’ve just grown too accustomed to that porcelain-feeling, and that’s when it hits you … that sinks …are…AWESOME. Dude.

On-The-Go? No way, there is absolutely no emergency procedure if you’re driving on the highway and have to go RIGHT THIS INSTANCE. This is the point where you should just give up. It’s not physically possible to urinate in a soda can, bottle or empty bag of chips as some of you geniuses (I actually started to name names and then got overwhelmed with guilt, so I’ll spare you guys the shame and embarrassment … think of this as a shout-out) have concocted.

I stayed away from including the ladies in this topic; well … I guess I TRIED to stay away. But the ladies are on a whole different playing field. An emergency is an emergency and the “need to go” must be fulfilled at all costs, but damn … some of you get pretty crazy. First of all, men are ‘built’ to be able to go in the great outdoors, in a bush, behind a tree, on a car … wherever. The ‘SQUAT and GO’ maneuver is so risky. What if you topple over? Or God forbid some critter (really aggressive with really BIG teeth) is burrowing its way out of the ground and doesn’t like that wet-feeling you’re leaving them with.

I must say though, if there is anytime to go to the bathroom in ‘packs’ it should be then. A peer can provide good support (so you don’t topple over) and she can also serve as a good ‘heads up’ girl (in case any critters who don’t like getting wet decide to retaliate and go after ‘the source’).

Also, in what I feel is even more of an uncivilized and un-lady like stunt … PLEASE do not go into the men’s room at a bar. I cannot even begin to describe what is on the rim of the toilet seats in the men’s room. Instead, I invite you all to let your imaginations roam free this afternoon!

With that said, I am going to curb my appetite now, because you know, this was such an appetizing post. Always remember ... Two is not a winner, and Three nobody remembers.

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