Ate

In recent weeks I’ve become very mindful of the effects certain foods have on my bodily functions. It’s really quite fascinating but I’ll spare you the details. Well, some of them.

Most obvious is fiber intake. It goes in green and leafy and well … comes out effortlessly – exactly like my money. Only this type of effortlessness is definitely a much more appreciated one.

Cheese. Where do I begin with Cheese? I am one of those people who like cheese but am beginning to absolutely not like it as much because of what it does to me. Every time I eat cheese I can ‘feel’ it getting stuck everywhere. On my teeth, my epiglottis (my favorite body part), my …Esophagus, my intestines and last but not least my A-team. I’ve also confirmed that I am indeed lactose intolerant.

Sweet stuff fucks my shit up. I don’t harbor any ill will towards my sweet tooth but every time I satisfy a craving for HO-HOs (my term for anything with sugar in it) I go into useless mode. My eyes shrink; my Jones jumps and I just want to sleep. “Huh?” becomes my signature statement and somehow it’s still all-good. Getting fatterer and dumberer never tasted any better.

Processed meats are now on my food enemy list. Though I genuinely like the taste of hot dogs, bologna, salami, etc. I feel like a cheap and dirty whore every time I eat any of that stuff. Now, I am most weirded out by that werding-out fleshy/pink color of processed meat. Why is it that color? The turkey, the beef, the chicken … are all THE SAME strange shade of pink/fleshy. Here’s something … the next time you’re in a grocery store, face the processed meats and squint your eyes a little bit. You know, because it’s fun to do pointless in-store experiments and make everyone think you’re a complete and utter creep. YES!

On a digestively positive note, I am extremely proud of myself for drinking water again. It has now become a daily must that I drink the minimum recommended 64 oz dose of water. In the past, I drank coffee, or soda or anything else as long as it wasn’t water. I’ve probably gone for days without drinking a single drop of water. I don’t know when exactly I decided to begin my h2o ‘revolution’ but it slowly crept up on me. At first, I re-introduced water into my system by drinking water in the middle of the night when I usually get the most thirsty. The health benefits aside, why the fuck does the shit taste so bland?

I give props to the Fruit2O people and Aquafina FlavorSplash, 7-11 Clear Selections and all the other companies that make their water fruity. I guess it technically fails to count as ‘water’ but … SPLENDA makes everything better (and much, much more expensive). Speaking of, The SPLENDA commercials get tagged with “Don’t be surprised if your neighbor pops in and asks for a cup of SPLENDA.” Surprised? Not exactly, but I will promptly tell their ass to fuck-off, do you know how expensive that shit is? Here … take some Sweet-N-Low.

Do neighbors even do such things anymore? I’m pretty sure neighbor-relationships have boiled down to keep your damn dog shit off my yard and in the case of SOMEWHERE, VA; “The Evil People” is obviously not a statement kids deduce on their own.

Just stay away from my Splenda.

Note: Last night on Television, there was a show called “Fire Me … Please.” Basically two people compete for 25,000 dollars. The goal is to see which one of them could get fired closest to a pre-allotted deadline. I know in my heart that the two contestants were my favorite type of people … absolute FREAK SHOWS. After reading about the show somewhere online, I resisted the temptation and the TV is still off. Did anyone watch? “Tell Me … Please.” Also, stay tuned for what I concoct to avoid falling off the bandwagon and being sucked into THE REAL WORLD: AUSTIN.