Soccer Moms ... Gone Wild

I guess if you’re into that. This whole weekend I tried to scheme a way to snap pictures of soccer moms … you know, doing their thing. Now if I can only get a hold of the Girls Gone Wild dude … and pitch the whole mom thing as an encore to his hit series.

Seriously though, the bitches are some wild drivers. Not only once, not twice, but THREE times I was ‘ASSAULTED’ on the road by what seems like a ‘mom’ armed with her 2005 minivan. How pansy of me to sit here and admit such a thing.

“Hi, I’m pansy boy with a small (er) car … can’t hang with dem Minivans.”

I’ve tested my sweet old Maxima in an accident before and it hasn’t faired well. I incurred $3,000 worth of damages and the grandma in the Toyota Camry barely scratched her bumper. This was on Christmas Eve … and Grandma was so sweet and so concerned that she had “Ruined My Christmas.” Well, YEAH--even though I don’t really celebrate Christmas, you definitely ruined something. I then became concerned that the hysterical lady was going to pull a Santa and pass out on me … I kept saying “I’m fine, I’m fine … really, I’m not hurt” but to no avail. All she wanted was a hug, and well…

So I was in Washington D.C. once again this weekend - The Nation’s capital, emblem of freedom and home to some seriously over-stressed mothers maneuvering through crowded, narrow and appallingly hole-full streets. You see, I think getting lost in DC is one of the worst (and most stressful) things that could happen to you. What does one usually do when they're lost? Call SOMEBODY … ANYBODY. As of earlier this year (I think) that’s no longer an option. Washington DC’s PoPo (who coincidently, are EVERYWHERE) will indeed stop you and give you a big fat ticket if they see you on a cell phone. That leaves you with plan B … get out on your own but at the risk of popping a bloodline somewhere.

Mothers are crafty. They’re ALWAYS right and for the most part LOVE proving their independence by taking charge of situations. In this case, taking charge of the situation is equitable to LET’S TRY and KILL THIS BOY IN THE SMALL (ER) NISSAN.

Needless to say, the Minivan-Curmudgeon-Assassin-Squad failed and they failed miserably. Here are their stories:

Dodge Caravan: This one is the ‘Vernita Green’ of the Minivan-Curmudgeon-Assassin-Squad … you feel a little bad for her at the end.
Yes, “The one that started it all.” In this case, ‘all’ is some over-possessive shit over a damn parking spot. Only I was trying to GET OUT of the spot, she spotted me and wanted to ‘claim’ it. I understand and sympathize that there was a queue of parking scavengers lined up behind you … but none of you people are parking ANYWHERE unless you let me out. I was seriously deadlocked for about 5+ minutes because she was adamant about not losing her spot and blocked the road in parallel to my car. I feel bad for this one because after a BARRAGE of pleading hand gestures she finally budged forward and let me out only to lose the spot to some ass-hole who was behind her.

Honda Odyssey: Definitely the 'Elle Driver' of the Minivan-Curmudgeon-Assassin-Squad …if for nothing else, she sure drove like she had a patched eye.
This one panics when she’s in a ‘service’ street. Her main M.O. is to get back on K street AT ALL COSTS, nevermind the YIELD sign or the oncoming traffic for that matter … go ahead and turn. Maybe you’ll T-Bone me if you’re lucky. In celebration of your stunt, the rest of us are simultaneously going to blow our horns at you. BEEEEEP. BEEEEEP. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.

Toyota Sienna: This one is the ‘BILL’ of the Minivan-Curmudgeon-Assassin-Squad.
Hi, I drive a yucky-colored Toyota Sienna. not only do I use the color to distract my fellow drivers … but I like to signal towards one direction and proceed to lane-merge to THE LANE IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION. I actually don’t know how this accident was avoided because my brakes aren’t that hot. I just got them changed but I still don’t feel like they function when and how I want them to. They did great. I let this one slide horn-free. Instead I shook my head and hoped she was watching her rear view mirror. I did it really violently, spaz-like and for quite a period of time because I wanted to make sure she ‘knew’ I was shaking my head at what she had just done.

Pop the Cristal, your boy is safe. Next time, y’all might want to try some Oren-Ishii shit …shii

Note: Yesterday had to be the hottest & most humid day I can remember in a long while. The lesson I learned from Sunday was that Tennis at 1:00 p.m. would more likely than not result in a just, swift and (relieving) bagel (6-0).