Bullet in My Head

Attention: Spoilers

I watched EVERYTHING. Yesterday evening, I was a complete remote-fool with my weapon of SPAZ destruction during what I now consider “my last night of television, ever.” You see, I’ve decided to boycott all reality shows, game shows, and news as well as all scripted television and with damn good reason.

Lets go:

Jeopardy: That ‘other’ smart guy named Brad HANDILY defeated Ken Jennings. Brad dethroned Jennings as the contestant who won the most money on a game show … well yeah, they gave the mother fucker two million dollars at the end. More Power. Ken Jennings was so lame; his final jeopardy answer contained ‘Go Brad!’ … Wow, can we get some dignity up in this bizznatch? Brad then said: “and I am SAYING, go Ken!” Awww, can we get a Kodak moment in here so I can PUKE all over it.

American Idol: What a lame show. Those opportunistic bastards, what 2-hour finale has about an hour and fifteen minutes of ford commercials? For fuck’s suck (yes, this one is new and is sure to catch on) would you at least have a better car to advertise? If they absolutely feel the need to. The show was very boring and sugar coated as usual (I only tuned in to see Vonzell once more). Country Carrie won, and though I couldn’t care less I feel she did not deserve the title. Bo out sang her from day one.

Lost: Oh what to say? Here’s something … that was another USELESS 2-hour finale. The Numbers? The Bears? The birds? That Predator-like thing? What the hell is going on in that island and we STILL don’t know anything, I could have watched MTV and found out more about that damn island.

What we do know is there is someone with Michael Jackson syndrome … they’re into stealing little boys for some reason. The 2 hours was basically about little boys being stolen, first Claire’s baby and then the weird kid, Walt. There was a middle-story about using dynamite to blow up a hatch in the middle … well … WHAT THE FUCK IS IN THAT HATCH?!?!?!! In classic scripted television junk, they end the season terribly with NOT A SINGLE answer. This is how they ended it (here’s your SIX numbers, assholes):

1) Black boy ‘taken’ by “the others”… we don’t whom?
2) 3 men dumped in the ocean, with the raft burning (one of them shot)
3) An infinite ladder leading to … we don’t know where?
4) Six numbers subliminally related to EVERYTHING … we don’t know how
5) Some ‘THING’ that pokes holes in the ground … we don’t know what
6) WHY THE HELL DID I GET INTO THIS SHOW … I don’t know why

Alias: Though I have not followed or watched a single full episode this season, this was BY FAR the most ‘fulfilling’ of all the season finales. I don’t really know how (because I didn’t watch the season) but Sydney’s mom, Irena is somehow alive. She helps them save the world from her evil sister's (Sydney’s aunt) plan to turn the world into ZOMBIES. There you go Zombie Slayer … rest assured the Zombie invasion will not work on us as long as we have ‘cute’ CIA agents (not too fond of Jennifer Garner) … their HOT sister (don’t know her real name) … and of course their MILF by their side.

The ladies were fucking shit up, just shooting everything. The most INTENSE moment of the finale was of course when they were about to go and disable the ‘device’ that transmits the zombie virus … Oh wait … that was interrupted by a proposal to Sydney and some kissing. There was some poetic thing about sister vs. sister (the mother vs. the aunt as well as the daughters who eventually turned on each other because the hot one became ‘infected’).

Again, this was the most ‘satisfying’ and coherent, sense-making season finale of the night, if for nothing else than the adrenaline provoking needles to the neck, bullets to the head, bullets to the heart, kissing and of course the threat of “The End Of The World” being eliminated by an intense cutting of the “BLUE” or “WHITE” wire 50/50 chance (You should ALWAYS cut the darker color, right?)

The News: I can’t even right (not a misspelling, I really mean “RIGHT’ the big wrong that is “The News Cast”) anything about the news. Mainly, our hot anchor Cecily Tynan was sent off to the coast of Bermuda testing a shark repellant. They lured the sharks with blood, fish and little animals … and then dumped her in the (now shark infested) water to see what would happen. I turned the TV off at that point; I guess I’ll find out tonight if Cecily’s shark repellant worked. It’s also worth mentioning that should Cecily’s shark repellant have failed, she went out with a bang, looking damn good.

Thank god for Nina Simone, who at the end of the night managed to divert a hernia that I was certainly convinced I would suffer.

Anyone know a good shrink?

Note: Why is “Mr. Bojangles” covered by so many artists? Her 1971 version should have been the end all …