A Cute Piece Of Shit

Increase the Dosage Please.

What a waste of precious weekend time. I am so livid. Bitter. Pissed. Sad. Devastated. This past weekend I managed to cough my way out of something I’ve been waiting to do for 5 years: Go fishing in the Atlantic Ocean. (K.F. I’ll definitely be hitting you up provided that I remain healthy for the rest of the summer … you know, when the fishes are especially stupid).

In desperation for my condition, I wanted to find out exactly what was wrong with me. Dr. Search Engine’s diagnosis concluded that my symptoms were most indicative of “Acute Bronchitis”. Acute Bronchitis? Are you fucking kidding me? What happened to the common cold and the whole thing about allergies? I was looking forward to my immune system KICKING ASS with that ‘weak’ virus shit … not sure I was quite ready for anything like ACUTE BRONCHITIS though. If all this was comparable to demons, the common cold would be “a demon” and ACUTE BRONCHITIS would “The Big D”. Definitely bad news because I really wanted to go fishing.

I managed to do nothing on Friday during work. I just figured my sheer presence would be sufficient. No? I definitely should have stayed home and slept all day but I guess I figured that if I stayed home it would really mean that “I’m Sick.” I guess going to work disillusioned me for eight hours or maybe I was hoping for a miracle to occur at work (it never does). The point is: I really wanted to go fishing.

I did however; get some medical advice from my co-workers. As we all know, co-workers are doctors-in-disguise, and they will surely let you in on some secret to get better. K.M. told me about something she saw on Oprah, a “miracle” pill that is supposed to get rid of a cold. She introduced me to Airborne. Airborne was developed by a (now multi-millionaire) schoolteacher who was “sick of getting sick” from children in her classroom. I decided that I would take this advice, as it was probably my last glimmer of hope as far as “saving the day” because I really wanted to go fishing.

At the end of the day, I went to the drug store and got me some Airborne. I should have been alerted by the (CLEARLY) labeled package “Take at the first sign of cold symptoms” that this will never work for me since I was at the full blown ACUTE BRONCHITIS stage. Nonetheless, I bought it mainly to re-assure myself that nothing works (and I guess the slightest chance that it may indeed WORK … because you know, I really wanted to go fishing).

Side Note: The Airborne package looks like a second grade art project. I couldn’t help but make the connection to This Very Funny Website. (Reminder to self: upcoming post about criticism).

I was also advised to help my immune system fight the good fight by giving it some Vitamin C. I was so desperate that on Friday (during my AIRBORNE hunt), I went and bought a SUPER Vitamin C supplement. This shit was the king snake. ONE tablet contained 1,667% of the recommended daily value. Again, I was so desperate I took 10 of those things in the hopes that I would sneeze ONE really big (and final) sneeze, and cough one really big (and final) cough and It’ll all be back to normal. Worry not; I did my homework on whether it was possible to overdose on Vitamin C. There were a few conflicting reports but nothing concrete enough to set off alarm. After all, I really wanted to go fishing.

Not to mention every type of Nyquil, Robitussin, Cepacol and everything else OTC that fits into a $50.00+ credit card purchase. Nothing worked. In fact, I’m still not 100% back … but I’m back enough to function in a non-horizontal position (whereas I spent the whole weekend in Porn-Star mode … you know, only good lying down type of deal - without the sex of course). However, I might as well not be back since it’s a little too late because I really wanted to go fishing.

I knew that there is no ‘cure’ for whatever I had since it was something viral. However, I was particularly let down by seeing the following statement labeled on everything I took:
THIS STATEMENT HAS NOT BEEN EVALUATED BY THE FOOD AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION. THIS PRODUCT IS NOT INTENDED TO DIAGNOSE, TREAT, CURE OR PREVENT ANY DISEASE. Ok, why the fuck are you selling it to me then? So I can take a useless bunch of crap and sulk and mope over the fact that I will NEVER forget how much I really wanted to go fishing.

Note: They caught Sharks and shit. I really wanted to go fishing.