Non-intel-lectual Healing

(is something that's good for me ... )

I figured it would only be just to write an extra long post since there was none yesterday.

I was completely useless during my half-day of work but it was surprisingly eventful. I’ve already mentioned the thing about co-workers being doctors in disguise. This one woman (administrative assistant) diagnosed me with a sinus infection and homegirl then went on to recommend antibiotics. Antibiotics? Can you write me a prescription while you’re at it… and also, do you thinks you can hook me up with some Morphine (I’ll also accept Percocets) … you know, for the pain.

You mostly get the friendly “try this” or “this works for me” but I think a straight up DIAGNOSIS (with prescription suggestions) is some serious shit. I think I’ll just stick to Nyquil for now. These people are just trying to help, and I appreciate it. When not giving you a full-on medical diagnosis (with prescription suggestions), co-workers will bombard you with home remedy solutions. Ah yes, the pharmacy in disguise as a kitchen, bathroom, cleaning closet and god knows what the fuck else. In light of my situation, I received an email that highlights these home remedies. Let’s take a look:

Headaches: Drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately -- without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional "pain relievers." Why is this home remedy quantified like such? Doesn’t Gatorade come in a bottle …who pours Gatorade in a glass before drinking it? So how many bottles are TWO GLASSES?!!?!?

Burns: Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns. Yes – JUST Colgate … forget the other 23781263782534 brands of toothpaste.

Stuffy Nose: Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose. Altoids = high-priced overpowering stuff with mysterious chemicals.

Achy Muscles: Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 Tablespoon of horseradish in 1 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as a massage oil, for instant relief for aching muscles. Relieved muscles at the expense of your social life - FOREVER. God forbid your stinky ass from going out in public after you do this.

Sore Throat: Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1 tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria. That's some nasty soundin' shit! I think I would just rather go ahead and die from un-curable soar throat syndrome.

Urinary Tract Infections: Just dissolve two Alka-Seltzer tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly -- even though the product was never been advertised for this use. I’m sure the Alka-Seltzer folks have caught onto this and gave up the chance to include YET ANOTHER use for Alka-Seltzer. Next Up: Alka-Seltzer Cancer eliminating formula.

Pimples: Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a Band-Aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight. Hmmm…what’s better? A pimple … or a FACE FULL OF FLIES and every other honey-lovin’ creep out there.

Toenail Fungus: Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again. Can I just wear socks all day?

Easy Eyeglass Protection: To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear nail polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them. Again, because Revlon’s clear nail polish sucks for this purpose.

Rust: Forget those expensive rust removers, just saturate an abrasive sponge with Coca Cola and scrub the rust stain. The phosphoric acid in the coke is what gets the job done. I never understood the point of people who try to scrub away rust. It’s useless and you should just throw it out. Guess that makes me a plastic kinda guy.

Bugs and insects: (Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer) If menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the ground instantly. Thanks Mr. Obvious – What the fuck will not “drop to the ground instantly” after getting sprayed by Formula 409??

Smart splinter remover: Just pour a drop of Elmer's Glue-All over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue. I prefer digging it out with a sharp blade. No blood, no satisfaction. It’s much quicker as Elmer’s glue takes about 24 hours to dry (it even says it on the package).

Boil Cure: Cover the boil with Hunt's tomato paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head. What the hell is a boil?

Balm for Broken Blisters: To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine... a powerful antiseptic. Sorry, finished all my Listerine on my toenail fungus...I kinda have big feet.

Heal Bruises: Soak a cotton ball in Heinz white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process. Sorry, no more Vinegar either because it turns out that I enjoy the taste of Vinegar and Honey.

Kill Fleas Instantly: Dawn dish washing liquid does the trick. Add a few drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Goodbye fleas. Better yet is GOODBYE dog … throw the damn critter out the house.

Rainy Day Cure for Dog Odor: Next time your dog comes in from the rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh. The next time your dog goes out in the rain, don’t let its smelly ass back in. Who wants their dog smelling Springtime Fresh?!

Eliminate Ear Mites: All it takes is a few drops of Wesson corn oil in your cat's ear. Massage it in, and then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat's skin, smothers the mites, and accelerates healing. These home remedies are so brand-loyal. Mazola will cause your cat to choke on its own hairballs.

For Fast Pain Relief: It's not for breakfast anymore! Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain. No scientific explanation for this one? When this dries, it will potentially be the worst looking case of false skin fungus ever.

So there it was. I must admit that I did consider the Altoids thing to clear up my stuffy nose. I couldn’t find Altoids, which was probably good because being the type of person I am (I believe that if you DOUBLE the dose, you get better in HALF the time … it works, trust me) I would definitely abuse this remedy. A couple of mints in my book = A couple of cans.

If anyone has any of the above situations to deal with, please go ahead and try the corresponding remedies and share the results. I’m particularly curious about the sore throat thing. I’ll let you know if the Altoids work, if nothing else I can at least guarantee myself minty-fresh breath for 212 days.

Note: I saw a preview for "The Island" - not quite sure what to think yet. I haven't seen a new movie in a while because they all look like they suck. I was holding out all summer until "The Skeleton Key" comes out ... but might have to make this exception.
Today: Steel