A Gentleman Doesn't Kiss and Hell

Well, I guess this is goodbye. This is my last post since I just found out (last night) that I will indeed be GOING TO HELL. It's been a fun ride.

I was originally going to entitle this post “The Email” but then LAST NIGHT happened. I guess you could say the overall theme behind the post has evolved into a rant about courtship, the lengths people go through, and the reactions they get. Let me give you a friend’s story before telling you my own. I don’t know why I’m even writing when I should be inquiring about apartments in HELL. There's no major setup for this, they met through a mutual friend at some function, went on a couple of dates, they’re in different places in their lives … no big deal, right?

I should also say that his motives were very innocent (regardless of what you think of the content). It was all one big ploy to get her attention. Without further delay, I give to you …

“The Email” (I cannot make this stuff up)

Subject: Capturing moments

Have you ever been on a hike and seen someone trying to capture the moment of ever-changing nature. Maybe in the fall when the leaves are changing or in the spring when the flowers are blooming and there's this person painting away trying to seize this beautiful moment in time. Now imagine this painter nude, hair blowing in the wind, butt clinched together as a chilling wind flows over their body sending a pulse racing shiver from head to toe. I have no clue where this is going but I would like to go get a drink with you some time this week if you are going to be around. Let me know

Against extreme insistance on my behalf, he sent that email anyway. I should leave it at that (oh, it’s been 3 days and counting … he has yet to get a response to that there poetry). We'll leave it at that.



I don’t like divulging too many details, as I believe some things should remain ‘One of a Kind’. We went out last night (a group of 4 guys) and went to this joint where a jazz band was playing. Once inside, we all scattered and everyone had a STORY by the end of the night. Without further delay, I give to you ….

"My own (SADDER) story" (I cannot make this stuff up)

We were talking and somehow religion came up. This chick felt it was cool to tell me that I was going to hell because I have not been “Saved” (it gets so much better). SAVED? Saved by what? Those Vodka cranberries you’ve been sloshing down all night? Or do you mean Jesus? You dumbass, who the fuck meets people in public and tells them they’re going to hell!?!?

I’m patient … but I still should have called it a night right then and there. Unfortunately, I always have to remind myself to RAISE MY FUCKING STANDARDS. I think a nice addition to that would be to inform such idiots that I have just raised my standards (and tell them exactly WHY) … I seriously pity the next girl who comes at me with something stupid. I must admit that I sort of stuck around in this situation to give me some content to write about. I definitely did get my content at the expense of my Thursday evening.

It turns out that STUPID is 'engaged' to a JEWISH man. That’s fucking great! And you just told me I was going to hell because I haven’t been ‘saved’. What exactly are you planning here? Are you just going to bring up the whole HELL conversation with your ‘fiancé’ AFTER he marries you?

I also found out that she has a kid. No big deal, kids are cool. However, I do feel sorry for this kid. The kid is 12 years old and has (what seems like) a train wreck for a single mother.

Then came the 'best friend'. STUPID introduces me to her 'best friend'. What a DISASTER that was. She introduced us and then whispered in my ear: “I love her but if I was you I would watch my wallet, don’t keep it in your back pocket” – that’s also fucking great, absolutely charming! A pocket-picker for a best friend. I'm envious of the great company you keep … remember to invite them to your house-warming party in HEAVEN.

What a waste of Jazz music. Not entirely though, because STUPID had something to say about that too. The band was doing their thing and people were standing in front of them and dancing and letting them know that they appreciated the music. BUT NO! That was not cool with STUPID, she proclaims “These people are fucking idiots, they don’t know how to appreciate Jazz music, and Jazz is not meant to be danced to.” DUMBASS, don’t get all elitist and shit, it’s just a small joint, a small band and people having fun.

I wasn’t going to include this, but what the heck: I am now convinced that the inside matches the outside ... the bitch was ugly as sin anyways.

Happy Friday.

Note: I can't gather up the exact details about last night's experiences from the other 3 guys, I remember them being funny and just as ridicule-able as mine. Off the top of my head, my friend was talking to a girl with two daughters. One was 5, the other was 6. He was (extremely) turned off when she told him that she loves her 5 year old and not the 6 year old because the latter is “FUCKING DUMB”.
Today: Glass