Nafie Nafie’s Nose Knows

How’s that one for a tongue twister. How’s that one for a tongue twister.

In only my first week after I have regained 100% of my previously ill health I’m regretting it already. Despite my comeback, these days I’m being forced to look back and say “Ah, remember when I had Acute Bronchitis … those were the days”. Yes, I hated the acute bronchitis and yes I hated not being able to taste anything and yes I hated not being able to smell anything but all of those inconveniences pale in comparison to what I’m going through right now.

You see, when I couldn’t smell I didn’t have to worry about smelling foul and offensive stuff, I just had to worry about not being able to smell things I like, such as food. Now that I can smell EVERYTHING again, I was forced to take stock of what’s important in my smell library. Along with the appetizing aroma of grilled chicken or steak and roasted garlic, I get to smell this strange odor coming from I-don’t-know-where.

Let’s cut the sugar coat, it smells like shit. I’m talking literal, FECES, kids in the pool; Uncle Hanky type deal … this smell is just absolutely HORRENDOUS. It hits me when I walk from my car to my apartment. My guess is that it’s something on the street, most likely to do with the summertime. There are some patches of bushes right outside my place and I’m beginning to wonder if the fertilizer used for those bushes is actually DUNG (you know, because we live in the 1800s).

I can’t describe how bad this is because it takes the creativity out of the description. This is literally the most vomit-inducing smell I have ever smelled. I RUN inside my building and pray that people are not standing there checking their mail, because at any given day I might not be able to stomach it. I would hate to have my neighbors take home their bank statement or electric bill with complimentary chunks of Turkey, Lettuce and that weird looking stuff (this is applicable to all neighbors with the exception of ONE ...)

Another suspect is the hole in the ground due to the water supply construction. Last week, when our building’s water was cut-off, they dug up the entire street. Now, there are big metal plates covering the (potentially stinky) hole in the ground and it’s not working. Can we get some saran or glad wrap (flavor seal type) to perhaps remedy this situation?

The first day I smelled this, I gave this shit-hole the benefit of the doubt and actually BLAMED myself. I won’t go into the details where I had to visit the memory cache and figure out whether I forgot to ‘clean-up’ after using the bathroom or not. I am absent minded at times, but that was a stretch even for my paranoid self.

Then I started blaming other people. There’s a nightshift nurse who leaves our building around the same time I come home. I’m sure she’s a very nice person but some scenarios did cross my mind. The obvious one was that in a hurry to get to work on time, she just got dressed right after number 2 and dashed out of the door. You know, because there’s so much pressure in our professional lives.

The second scenario was that she worked at a place where patient ‘clean-up’ is required. Perhaps she didn’t get a chance to do laundry, that’s understandable, it’s commendable (the fact the she helps others) and it’s excusable.

While my mind was running away with this one, I couldn’t help but to stare right at her in search of inspiration for some more scenarios and ludicrous things. Unfortunately, she caught me staring at her while I was basically giving her a “You Have Shit All Over You” look. I feel so embarrassed. I hope she just thinks I’m crazy. Well wait …

WHAT if she thinks I am the one producing the smell? Maybe I mistook her look for a “Stop looking at me like that” look when in fact it was also a “You Have Shit All Over You” look. Although dirty some days, she couldn’t possibly tell where I work and associate my job with something ‘commendable’ and excuse me, therefore it HAS to be true and that look is most likely a “You Have (your own) Shit All Over You” look.

I guess the smell will eventually go away.

Note: I'm unclear on this, but I think I slept a lot yesterday/ last night. My initial guess is THIRTEEN hours, but I'll have a final answer when I tally it all up. Also, for today: Glass.