Oh Yes it’s Ladies Fight

And the feeling's right, Oh yes it's ladies fight …Oh what a fight (oh what a fight). So if you hear any noise, it ain't the boys, it's ladies fight. (I’m of course quoting Kool & The Gang, not Kim).

Forget paying all that money for pay per view and watching Mike Tyson sit down and not want to get up and continue (for fuck’s sake he should have bitten another ear off or something … what a weak way to go out). I say no more boxing on pay per view; let’s get some more entertainment up in here.

Granted, it’s not pay per view material and most girl fights are “one of a kind” because it’s un-lady like to throw down and have it all televised. I feel that girl fights are the most enjoyable form of LIVE entertainment. It’s almost like catching a once in a lifetime, rare live concert of one of your favorite artists doing something they “don’t normally do”. (Picture Bob Marley on Opera).

I can’t speak for everyone, but my personal thought after witnessing a girl fight is: “Is there ANYTHING I could have done to fuel the fire and encourage all hell to break loose?” (Provided it’s “all in good fun” and no one is seriously hurt … physically that is, don’t particularly have a soft spot for the ‘emotional’ hurt).

One time I saw a really bizarre girl fight. It was right outside of a college joint; I think it was called “The Warehouse” then (it was one of those places that changed named every six months). This one was unusual because most girl fights have a setup … a head-bopping, hair tying, jewelry hiding period where the fighters get into battle mode - yet this one didn't. We shall classify this one as an “ambush”.

So people are filtering out, clearing the place up and BAM. Patricia strikes. In a remarkable display of ferocious and lethal stealth, she just takes it to Annie. It was somewhat of a weak first strike, the equivalent of a sucker-punch. Nonetheless, the damage was done. Before Annie could realize what had just happened, Patricia had ripped out a handful of her braids and was waving them as “battle trophy”. I would imagine that impromptu coiffeur procedure to have been terribly painful.

A small scuffle ensued and eventually the good and kindhearted people around separated the two ladies (at the expense of drunken entertainment … WHAT?). I won’t discuss the reason for this ‘fight’ (because I don’t really remember the exact reason) but it was eventually settled judicially where both ladies had to remain 1,000 feet from each other. In a small town that basically meant; ‘show up at the club at noon’ because you know, otherwise you’d be violating a judge issued restraining order.’

I also motion to bring forth Claire vs. Dina … by far the most gruesome (and coolest, most action-packed) girl fight I’ve seen.

This one had the mother of all setups. It was WEEKS of tension building up, until they both finally decided that the best way to settle it was to swing (NICE!). Like two prizefighters, the date was set and the days until the big night were passing effortlessly (except for the pesky exams in between). Come to think of it, there should have been some promotional shit going around considering the extent of ‘history’ this battle had… I’m talking the whole deal, posters, flyers, emails and maybe even run a betting spread.

Dina had made a reputation for herself of being this “bad girl” who would just stop at nothing to get her way. I understand she had been in several fights before and done some damage, I didn’t really know her but I guess she would classify into the “bully” category. Claire was a quiet, girl next-door type with a somewhat rare wild side. This fight had all the makings of David Vs. Goliath (minus all the testosterone).

The big night was upon us and the (bored?) masses came in numbers to witness the settlement of that year’s saga that was “Claire Vs. Dina”. Both ladies had a cheering crowd and ‘extras’ in case any of their opponent’s friends “interfered”

Sensibly, both ladies had dressed down for the occasion. They started with reasonable distance in between them and as they walked towards each other, their profanity filled opinions of one another got louder and louder, they walked faster and faster and when they finally faced off…

Dina made the mistake of pulling a penknife on Claire (I CANNOT make this stuff up). Looking back that was an idiotic move, because it triggered a SERIOUS adrenaline jolt in Claire’s system… Fight or Flight and Clair chose to fight and prefaced it all with: ”No Knives, Bitch.”

Out of sheer visible shock (and the adrenaline) Claire turned into THE INCREDIBLE HULK and absolutely demolished this girl. I have NEVER seen anyone receive such a hellacious and MERCILESS beating. It was a massacre. By the end of the 5-minute ‘beat-down’ Claire was holding Dina by her ponytail and GRINDING her face on the rough asphalt road back and forth, side to side. Blood everywhere, screeches, screams, ‘please stop’s and ‘I’m sorry’s could and would not stop Claire.

In hindsight, I guess not too many people were fond of Dina, or maybe they just wanted to see her downfall … but most of the crowd let Claire handle her biz before stopping them and handle her biz she did, like a true lady’s supposed to.

Note: I also wanted to include Layla Vs. Somaya (two older ladies who were our neighbors where I was growing up)… this one was verbal and never escalated but it was sheer poetry (complete with rhymes and all). I can't think of something that exemplifies “lost in translation” better than that incident.
Today: GLASS