On The Radio

Radio is kind of whack man. I don’t really listen to radio but in recent weeks I’ve been tuning in. The main reason is that I get discouraged from connecting (and subsequently disconnecting) my iPod from my car during my short drive to work. I basically get to listen to about 17 minutes of radio per day.

Though short and somewhat swift, the 17 minutes could not be more disastrous or damaging.

Every single radio show host sounds like a moron and their co-hosts sound like even bigger jackasses than they do. Newsflash, if you’re on radio … you’re sort of ugly otherwise your ass would have been on TV … no?

Let’s take a look at some of my ‘favorite’ local radio stations.

100.3 “The Beat” – What a LAME and unoriginal name, how many stations share the name ”The Beat” in this country? This radio station is dedicated to “the hottest hip-hop and R&B.” They’ve tirelessly drilled that into my cerebral cortex, and OK … I fucking get it.

My beef with these people is on the drive back home. They feel the need to advertise that they’re “the hottest hip-hop and R&B” station with a (seriously, LOUD) emergency squad siren in the background. Who is the dumb intern that came up with that idea? I’m willing to bet that MOST people ONLY listen to the radio while they’re driving … so why not, go ahead and distract them with sirens; it’s safe and all. I obviously never know when there’s a “real” emergency vehicle and every time their stupid commercial comes on, I slam on my brakes and pray to not get T-boned as I pass an intersection.

96.5 “The Wire” (the lame name game) This one is not even worth stopping on while browsing. Yesterday, I had to leave work on several occasions, EVERY single time I was in the car and turned to this station they played the same song. I guess it’s a new single by Lola entitled “No Strings”. Here’s the chorus to this song:

Baby, let's have sex
No strings attached
Real good sex
Baby, I need to relax
I don't even know you
And I don't care
Cause, you've got what I want
And I want all you got
Come on baby, let's do it right here

Ok, so lyrically, it’s somewhat racy … understood but why do you have to play it so many times over and brag about it like a 15 year old who just found a playboy?!?!

Furthermore, I’m not entirely sure if this was 96.5 “The Wire” or the equally lame “Q102” (see below) – but one of those two radio stations were talking about a scientist who produced all this evidence that “fat girls have smaller brains than skinny girls”. Every (self-proclaimed) fat girl with a GPA above 3.5 called in and expressed her “pissed-off-ness” at Dr. Psycho’s theories.

Of course a discussion about radio wouldn’t be complete without mention of the generically un-hip 102.1 FM “Q102” ….“home of music” . This is the most played out p.o.s. station there is. It seems like there's a "Q102" in every city in the US, and I don't understand why. For starters, it’s 2005 and why do this station’s DJs think it’s cool to play Fabulous Ft. Tamia – Can’t Let You Go (2000)? That song is old as fucking dirt, and it’s not even a classic.

The award for WORST morning radio show goes to these guys. 'Chio in the morning' is so boring and along with his sidekick Lisa, they make up the lamest duo on radio. They’re so typical and everything they do revolves around abusing their (DUMBASS) intern “Diego”.

They do this thing called “War of the Roses” where they test your mate’s loyalty by basically calling a suspected adulterer and offering them free flowers. With their partner secretly listening in, they wait to 'bust' them if the suspected cheater ever dares to send the flowers to someone else, other than their partner. You know, because this thing works everyday and people who listen are oblivious to the fact that normal people don’t call and offer free flowers … just lame and boring idiots.

During one of my trips out of work though, I heard the worst of the worst (it just keeps getting worst, so bare with me while I label everything as "The Worst"). Q102 had a correspondent in the “blistering heat”. She had a thermometer and two subjects; a Black man and a White man. Their goal was to prove a hypothesis that “Black men heat up more than White men”. HOW FUCKING COOOOOOOOOL IS THAT … DUUUUUDE??

We all know that ALL radio stations boast about having “18 jams in a row” – this is a complete farce. It’s more like two songs in a row (usually the Black Eyed Peas followed by Mariah Carey) and then we have to listen to (in the hosts’ annoying non-commercially appealing voice) “the best solution for unsightly hair … SONA, hair removal, Trust me it WORKED for me.” Oh really? Must be why you’re still stuck on Radio.

IPod MAAAAN ... to the rescue!

Happy Friday.

Note: I guess if I had a gun to my head and was FORCED to pick one of those radio stations, I would pick 100.3 “The Beat”. They at least play NEW music, they actually HAVE industry connections. For example, just yesterday on the drive home (right after the annoying SIREN commercial) they played Lil’ Kim’s new single “Shut Up Bitch”. I guess it was her goodbye single before going to jail. It’s good to see the Queen Bee taking it all in jest and go out swinging by including lyrics like “I heard she’s going to jail, I heard she’s out on bail” and “Why she got her nose fixed? Why she got bigger tits?”
Today: Steel