Two Stories: Volume I

It’s a Thursday and it feels like a Friday and that can’t be a good thing. However, in the spirit of hard-working taxpayers (and materialistic assholes) we shall all trudge along and take it as it comes.

I was undecided on what exactly to discuss on this Thursday morning. So I did what any self-respecting indecisive tool would do … a tribute to Quentin Tarantino. The motherfucker is weird, undeniably talented but weird. He is so random, and coming from me that’s some serious shit. My tribute is in the form of two stories (well, it’s more due to the indecisiveness… but play along). I will leave it up to your imaginations to “connect” the two stories and make of them what you wish. The randomness of this is what led to the Tarantino tribute, so I guess to enhance the tribute you can picture FEET as I recall this story. Have at it folks.


The Thing

The first of the two stories, “The Thing” is about something. I got a big day ahead of me today. BIG, big day and I cannot say why. It’s FAR too embarrassing even for ME to admit. So perhaps we should leave it at that. I will say that when it’s all over and done with, I MIGHT consider bringing it up in the near future as by that point, it’ll be so-yesterday and I can laugh at it. But no one’s laughing right now. No No No (in fact, I feel that I’m displaying remarkable resolve and courage by sitting here and even posting today… I should have just gone in hibernation for however-long-this-THING-thing will take).

This THING has been haunting me for about 2 years now (I cannot make this stuff up). It’s been an absolute nightmare. I can HONESTLY say that this THING has been on my mind way too much for comfort. Yeah, it’s definitely one of those things.

The end.



No Pants Attached

Ah, the second story, this was jogged into my feeble memory just last night but I absolutely love this story, so I hope the ‘subject’ either:

A) Doesn’t read this
B) Doesn’t get mad at me if they happen to read it

No names, no initials to preserve the anonymity of this person (it’s NOT Chris a.k.a C.R.).

This story is about my friend. My friend is a (self-proclaimed) Jack-of-All-Trades. Co-worker T.H. would chime in and adjust the title to (also self-proclaimed) Jackass-of-All-Trades.
My friend likes to do many, many things. He is always interested in new things and is the type who will ‘try anything once’. So in this particular instance, anything happens to be tailoring. My presumption is that he thought it was so fascinating to transform this flat, boring piece of fabric into an interesting, wearable garment.

Typing “my friend” is a bit extraneous, so from here on out I will refer to him as M.F. (not to be confused with motherfucker). MF made a pair of pants. He was so proud of them; he wore them in public and actually approached people and let them know he made his own pants. I guess that gets some points in the commendable department, sure, why not.

The pants were cool, they were black, and looked store bought. I would definitely have to admit that he did a good job on tailoring his own pants for being a first-timer. Granted, he DID wear them almost everyday and NEVER let you forget the fact that he made his own pants.

Long story short, MF was also horny. WHY then, would you go on Washington D.C. craigslist in search of some NSA fun? Scratch that, that’s understandable. So MF meets a girl on the Internet, invites her to his place, they hit it off for the night and …
I get a surprisingly calm and collected call the next morning:

”Hey, so I think the girl from the Internet STOLE my pants – I can’t find them anywhere.”

Forget Tarantino, if you could have seen how attached he was to those pants, this would be right up there with the Shakespearean tragedies. Furthermore, I’ve mentioned before that Craigslist is a disaster. I doubt there is a single ‘normal’ person on Craigslist. Not one, all you’ll find is weird people who will lay you and steel the pants that you worked so hard to make. Life is indeed unfortunate.

The End.

Note: There’ll hopefully be a more coherent Volume 2 sequel to this post. For now, I got BIG things to do. Today: Glasss