The Garden State

(That movie sucked).

I hate talking about other drivers, but I do it so often and it’s always worth a mention when the dumbass squad does something worth mentioning. Perhaps I’ll try to make this my last post on the people who perform “The Most Dangerous Act anyone does on a regular basis.”

New Jersey drivers suck. I understand there’s some quote or saying about New Jersey drivers, I’m not familiar with it but I agree with it whatever the hell it is. I have never seen such a maniacal bunch of loons on the highway.

There seems to be this unspoken obsession with “where” certain people are from when driving on the highway. We’ve all seen it; someone will do something on the highway and everyone automatically wants to find out where they’re from. They swerve, merge, and change lanes just to catch a glimpse of the license plate. I assume some people do this because they are wondering what State was stupid enough to give said person a driver’s license, others just want a state less inferior than their own.

EVERY single time I’ve seen someone doing something STUPID on the highway, I check out the tag … and sure enough, New Jersey’s shitty yellow gradient tags.

First of all, they drive at insane speeds. I’m not even kidding you when I say that I’ve seen some Jersey folk who had to be pushing 100 (mph). That’s funny; I don’t understand what the rush is? It’s not like you got a hot state to go back home to … it’s New Jersey for fuck’s sake. I would personally want to prolong my ‘arrival’ at said state for as long as possible.

I saw a survey once that studied drivers’ IQs in a quest by my local news station to bombard me with further useless information (it makes for good blog material though). The most illiterate/ lowest IQ scoring drivers were revealed and can we all guess who our big fat #1 was? Yes, Florida … just kidding, it really was New Jersey.

Although we love Canada, and will not hereby shit-talk on them, New Jersey is to New York as Canada is to the United States. The Bastard Child if you will … New Jersey folk will go above and beyond to attract attention (usually for silly things) and establish their ‘separation’ and incomparable independence from New York (yeah, I said it).

I mentioned a ‘yo mama’ reference in a recent post, we’ve all heard them before “Yo Mama’s so fat, she jumped on a rainbow and made skittles” or “Yo Mama’s so stupid; it took her 2 hours to watch ’60 minutes’” and “Yo Mama's so ugly, when she passes by a bathroom the toilet flushes” etc.

Well, I think we should take it one step further and let our Jersey drivers in on the fun. “New Jersey drivers are so stupid; they weave back and forth between (double solid lines) lanes INSIDE Ft. Mc Henry tunnel.” or “New Jersey drivers are so fat; their feet get stuck and push the gas pedal all the way causing them to exceed speed of 100 mph.” and “New Jersey drivers are so ugly; they can’t look in their (rear view) mirrors.” And so on…

Here are a few “You might be a New Jersey driver if…”

- Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

- Turn signals will give away your next move. A real New Jersey driver never uses them.

- The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

- Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will inevitably result in you being rear-ended. If you want your insurance company to pay for a new rear bumper, come to a complete stop at all stop signs.

- Real New Jersey women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at seventy-five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

- Real New Jersey men drivers can remove their girlfriend's panties and bra at seventy-five miles per hour or in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

And many more can be found here.

Much love for my Jersey crew (and Lauryn Hill) … you know I’m excluding you from the rest of your state's cohabitants throughout my tactless and gross generalization.

Note: Eventually I will compile a list of stereotypes for drivers from all the 50 states. Although, I've yet to see license plates from Hawaii, Alaska (do they even count???) and ... Arkansas. Y'all have cars out there? Today: Steel