Permitscuous Guy
So it’s confession time. I’ve done something bad and I feel it’s time for me to come clean and admit it … for the sake of freeing up my conscience for the next thing. I’m not particularly losing sleep over this, but it’s bothered me for a while.
I’m a procrastinator (that’s not the confession). I’ve changed jobs and moved (you know what) about a year ago. I STILL have my (you know what) license plates (that’s not the confession). Come to think of it, I never switched over to (you know what) either; as the law told me I should have (you know how long) after moving there (that’s not the confession).
I basically have (you know what) plates, but I've only (you know what) there for about 3 days after buying my car. VA DMV folks are convenient, you can renew your registration and all over the phone, they’ll even mail it to your (you know what) address, with new stickers for your license plates. So I did that because I hate the DMV (that’s not the confession) and did not want to go through the drama (or minor financial blows) of (you know what) my title, registration and plates over.
As I write this, I’m suddenly filled with an overwhelming worry about this patriot act thing … can I be prosecuted for “(you know what)”? If so, then I’ve just screwed myself with a confession, presumably admissible in court. In that case, I have this to say: THIS STORY IS FICTIONAL AND 100% UNTRUE, I am a sick, sick individual who imagines things (that’s not the confession).
There, who needs a lawyer anyways? Back to the story. There is this CITY-wide thing. Every car in the city has a yellow ‘city parking permit’ that will save you from some serious ticketing efforts if you’re parked anywhere in the city between 8 am and 6 pm. If you don’t have a yellow city parking permit you’re permitted to park for 2 hours during that time period, but no more.
You need to show that you live in the City to obtain this parking permit. No problem, I took my lease over and got the parking permit. The thing is, since I was a (you know what), I only got a ‘temporary’ parking permit good for 2 months, because I’m supposed to (you know what) my (you know what), and I would then be able to get a permanent one. The funny thing about temporary parking permits is that they are the ‘bastard child’ of the normal parking permits. They’re not even given the respect or decency of printing your license plate number on them. Instead, your license plate number is hand-written on the temporary parking permit along with a hand-written expiration date.
Do we all know where this is going? Damn right – After the silly date of 10/05/04 or something close to then was upon us, my parking permit was ‘technically’ invalid. Today’s date is (you know what). I have not had a single parking ticket or any parking drama. WHY? Because thank god someone invented sharpies (and a really powerful solvent which I must acknowledge because otherwise I would not have been able to remove the 4 from 04). Oh, and a ‘thank you’ to clear scotch tape, definitely the most useful of all the useless office supplies.
So yes, I (you know what) the parking permit to continue my convenient and DMV-less life (the ‘official’ confession).
Another reason why I’m bringing this up is because it’s starting to catch up with me. You see, because of the extreme heat everyone’s been experiencing recently, my shenanigans are at risk of being exposed. The heat has somehow FADED the original writing (which apparently wasn’t written in permanent marker) and the ‘5’ I wrote with the permanent sharpie, is still black as the night. Shady, shady, shady. Perhaps it’s time for a permit face-lift.
I will acknowledge that this is not postsecret material. It is however, worthy of a lesser honor such as ... oh ... a first date or something.
Thank you all for tuning in to my fictional story. I hope you enjoyed it. I also really hope that a big blockbuster director gets a hold of this screenplay and adapts it into next summer’s big line-up. My only requests/ reservations revolve around casting. Here are my prerequisites:
- The “main character” is played by someone insanely and sickeningly cool
- The city clerk is played by Mo’nique
- The ‘evil’ cop checking permits is played by Jerry Seinfeld
- The crabby old man that deters everyone from the DMV is played by Mann
Note: Coming up is a post about a “slight dilemma” and one reason why I haven’t (you know what) everything over at the new DMV -- Warning: embarrassing story. Today: Steel.
posted by aNON @ 7:45 AM
15 Comments:
Which version was better?
You know what?
Better be safe than (you know what)
Your blog today reminds me of Harry Potter and "He who must not be named." Mysterious and challenging to figure out.
Looks like we get ourselves natural-born parkin' shark! Yer gowen dayown sun and don't even think about puttin' them hayands beehaand yer heeyed, that's right I've been followin yoo from Virginia all these months and I'd say I'm all ovuh yo pimply black ayass!
ahem excuse my lack of knowledge of local dialects LOL!
I think that even when they throw you into a cell in Guantanamo, you'll have a good defense (if you ever get to court). NO ONE likes the DMV.
Since I have watched movies for several years, I feel like I should be the casting agent for your screen play. let's see...
- The main character (you know who) is played by Will Smith.
- The city clerk is played by Ellen Degeneres.
- The ‘evil’ cop checking permits is played by Johnny Depp.
- The scary old man that deters everyone from the DMV is played by Christopher Walken.
Mybrid,
It reminds you of HP AFTER the edition ... what did it remind you of BEFORE the edition? Ever read one of those things on 'Stupid Criminals'?
Emran,
BRAVO! I thought southerngirl had possessed you, you were spittin' it out like 'em true south'ner folk do.
Southerngirl,
Promise to come visit in Guantanamo? (Rum and Weed if you can sneak it past security).
As for your casting, I don't mind it, though I have some reservations.
I think Will Smith is annoying. Can we pass on him? I want someone 'cool' like Samuel L. Jackson cool (but younger).
I would also replace Christopher Walken with Anthony Hopkins ...put it in the contract that it's IMPERATIVE that he do the (fitfitfitfitfitfit) thing.
I would replace Ellen with Anne Heche :)
and ... Johnny Depp is weird, he'll steal the show and we can't have that happening. Put in someone 'normal' like Billy Bob Thorton.
Will Smith has gotten annoying in recent films, but I liked him in INDEPENDENCE DAY. We'll put it in the contract that he has to "be cool".
I'm sticking with Ellen. She'd be sharp _and_ funny. Anne Heche sucks.
Anthony Hopkins would be "too" scary. No one would ever renew their license plates and the prisons would be even more over-crowded than they are now.
Johnny Depp _is_ wierd. That's why he'd be perfect. I'd love to see the costume he comes up with.
OTOH, Billy Bob is a fellow Arkansan, so we might have to use him (nepotism, ya know).
As for Guantanamo, _of course_ I'll come to visit. I'll be Sister Southern coming to bring the word of the lord to the heathen that wandered down the wrong path. I'll rent a nun's outfit and everything.
(Note to self- Google to find out visiting hours at Guantanamo and how much weed and rum you can stuff into a bible. Oh, and go out and buy a bible.)
CS, yes I follow the Stupid Criminal files on a regular basis (they have a summary on my favourite radio station).
Southerngirl, you had me laughing with your assessment of Anthony Hopkins. Now explain this to me, you come from the Bible Belt but own no bible? How does that work?
mybrid-
The Bible Belt is just a cover. We are all insurrectionists down here in Arkansas. Sh-h-h, it's a secret.
Which reminds me of a joke:
A Texas man loved gambling on the horses. But he couldn't gamble in Texas because all the Bible Belt Baptists there wouldn't allow it.
So every weekend he would drive over to Louisiana and bet on the ponies. One night on his way back to Texas, he had a car accident and died.
St. Gabriel met him at the gates of heaven and said, "John, welcome to heaven."
John replied, "Thanks, I'm glad to be here, but I sure am going to miss gambling on the horses."
"Oh, we have a ractrack here in heaven."
"What? How can you have a horse track in heaven when we could never get one in Texas?"
"Because, John, there are a lot more Baptists in Texas than there are in heaven."
;)
Everyone,
If you want to acquire a bible, just steal the bible they put in hotel rooms. It won't really count as a 'sin' because you're stealing "THE bible."
This reminds me of a friend (A muslim) who wanted to get a tatoo. She wanted to get a tattoo, but it fell under bodily mutilation and was prohibited to do so by the religion. Her solution around this was to get a tattoo of the word 'Allah'.
and another one ...
This one (A christian) once tried to complain to hotel management that the bible in the hotel room violated separation of church & state. Of course, the goal was to get the hotel room for free. It didn't work.
CS-
I think they both had a point.
CS-
Speaking about great comedy, have you watched Reno 911 yet? I almost fall off the couch laughing every time I watch it. The cast improvises most of their dialog and they are a hoot--especially the black woman deputy. She's my hero.
Zombieslayer (and everyone else who doesn't like DMV),
Please refer to P chef "in action" as I like to call it.
http://paintingchef.blogspot.com/2005/07/what-is-wrong-with-world-part-xxxiv.html
Southerngirl,
Haven't watched Reno 911 yet. I've seen a couple of sporadic episodes in the past, I'll try to catch it sometime this weekend.
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