Cornbread, Fish and Collard Greens

(The title is somewhat unrelated, it's a hot song though).

We all have daily routines that can be somewhat stressful at times, so the last thing anyone needs to be doing is come home and cook dinner. Remember, I am a sheep and I hate to go against the majority so I absolutely DO NOT look forward to coming home and preparing dinner.
Again, please don’t mistake my disinterest for an inability to cook, because I really think I can bang it out, most of the time (as long as it’s not a fucking cake). Which means you can go ahead and mistake my disinterest for laziness if you want … I like to think it’s for reasons more like a ‘lack of groceries’.

However, everyone knows that one has to eat. You know the drill, 3 full meals a day or “five to seven smaller ones” if you’re packing some junk in the trunk What a crock of shit – What am I? A fucking mouse? You want me to nibble on food all day?

So what do people who are disinterested in cooking everyday do to eat? One of three:

a) Eat Out.
b) Order Delivery
c) Marry a stay at home wife (OR husband, for all you high-powered career ladies out there - you see how politically correct I am? After all, Condoleeza Rice may be reading this).

Any marriage that I'm involved in over the next 5 years would be highly unlikely and probably not so sweet for the lucky lady (also, according to some, divorce is definitely in my future because I bore too easily). It’s cool, this is for an entirely separate post, but I will say that if that’s the case …I’m getting my name legally changed to Pre-nup O. Pre-nup, you know, it works both ways.

I eat out often and it’s not really fun, it requires a decent amount of planning and you end up wasting the majority of the evening because eating out is such an involved process.

I’m left with the delivery option. Delivery is cool, you can order some really fattening stuff and have it sent home to you, and so that way, you don’t even have to burn those extra calories when tying your shoelaces to go out (EVERYONE answers the door for a delivery barefooted).

Case in point, I order delivery the other day and I usually pay by plastic over the phone (because remember, I hate carrying things on me, among them is cash). Given how it’s all panned out recently, it’s probably a good thing to lay low and order some food every now and then … It’s not Delivery, it’s D-ucking from helicopters.

This particular store requires you to show the plastic magic when the driver brings your food. They perform some ghetto-bastardized version of a carbon copy (put your card under the receipt and rub it with a coin) and THEN, only then will they give you your food. Apparently this is a MUST, and every time (not too often, about 5 times, ever) I’ve ordered from here, I’ve had to show my card.

The delivery guy shows up the other day, and instinctually, I give him my card. He then goes:

"Nah man, it’s cool I remember you, I’ve been delivering to you for three years."

Really? That’s funny; I’ve only lived here for just shy of a year. Of course I didn’t tell him that, it would be stupid of me to tell him that because I’ve been a first-hand witness/ observer on what delivery drivers could do to your food if you’re an asshole.

Everyone knows that, I’d mention the details but the Internet is corrupting our kids these days … and though this is not exactly a family oriented bl…AH what the heck, Motherfuckers spit in your food, sprinkle shoe dirt on your food and an ex co-worker claims to have even urinated on someone’s food. I’m just saying …

But I digress, so this guy has had a long day, a long week, a long month, maybe even a long year … but DAMN, it’s pretty rough when you mistake five trips in the span of several months for THREE years. He could have been backhandedly telling me I’m a lazy ass motherfucker and need to start cooking more, who knows?

It happened with television, and now it’s happening with delivery … I’m on an indefinite boycott from ordering delivery. In fact, today I’ll go over to the grocery store and buy some groceries (I’ve always loved how we buy groceries at the grocery store … as opposed to other shit like car batteries and you know, handcuffs). I’m not talking canned or microwavable stuff, which would be terribly foolish since I don’t really have a microwave, I’m talking the real deal here … fresh, labor-intensive produce and meat that’s full of skin and bones.

Note: this reminds me of a co-worker, KM. We went to eat buffalo wings for lunch one day; she would take one bite from the wing, and discard it. Finally, someone asked her why she’s doing that and she told us that she absolutely CANNOT allow bones to come in contact with her teeth. Today: I think it’s time to stop this glass/steel stuff. I’ll explain sometime soon (plus the damn thing's been stuck on steel for a while).