Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Legal Alien: A post by Mybrid

A post by Mybrid.

Question # 86: Name one benefit of being a citizen of the United States.
Answer # 86: Obtain federal government jobs...


Well, what better reason than that to apply for U.S. citizenship. So as I sat this morning in the trailer across a government agency building, bored to tears, and decided it was a perfect time to connect with my dial-up connection to
U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services and figure out what miracles I need to perform in order to become a U.S. Citizen.

I e-filed the I-90 last week, to request a new Green Card since mine expires next week. This morning I downloaded the N-400 (N stands for Naturalization, and the I stands for Immigration). Sixteen pages later, plus a hundred sample questions from a citizenship exam, and I'm ready to spend my day filling in questions about myself that I had never really taken the time to give it second thought until today.

Within a couple of minutes I reached my first hurdle. There's a biometrics fee - $70 if you file the I-90. Strangely enough, there's a biometrics fee ($70) if you file in the N-400. So I think to myself, "Alright, it's fingerprints. It's electronic. It's with the USCIS agency. Do I really need to pay twice???" So I called them up. Care to guess what the Capitalistic government of the U.S.A. answered me? Yeah, no surprise there. Just a huge amount of frustration when I'm being treated like an idiot - "Well, of course you have to pay it twice. It's a different file!" I really wanted to answer her back with, "Well, no wonder your government is all screwed up, if they cannot keep one set of fingerprints for each terrorist in your database!" But I didn't want to be stripped off my citizenship before I even got it. So I kept my mouth shut.

Back to my N-400 form. Part 5.C. Weight: Hmmmm....okay, do I exaggarate to the top or to the bottom. Will I add 10lb or lose 10lb by the time the immigration officer sees me? Minor hurdle, I erred on the side of low. It's easier to explain gaining weight.

Part 5.G. Eye Color: Alright, what are my options? Brown - no; Blue - Yeah, I think so; Green - no ; Hazel - ok, what's this in Hebrew? ; Gray - is that a color?; Black - no ; Pink - ??!!! ; Maroon - ! ; Other - "I'm blind can't you see."

Part 7.A. How many total days did you spend outside of the United States during the past 5 years? You mean to tell me, that America's advanced technology hasn't reached a point where they can just look into their U.S. Customs database and at a click of a button get that information based on my departure and entry stamps? Yeah, I definitely need to get this citizenship so I can help this government develop better functioning databases.


Part 7.B. How many trips of 24 hours or more have you taken outside of the United States during the past 5 years? I would have told you if I had a passport that made sense. But for some reason, your agents keep stamping it either wrong way up or wrong side left. No matter how many times immigration officers encounter an Israeli passport, they still haven't figured out it opens from right to left. Needless to say, I have quite a few back pages stamped, a whole lot of empty in the center, and the mandatory Israeli entry stamps on the right side. Every so often someone gets smart and throws my passport in the air, and whatever page it falls on - they stamp it.

Part 7.C. List below all the trips of 24 hours or more that you have taken outside of the United States since becoming a Lawful Permanent Resident. You have GOT to be kidding me! I need to recall now all my trips spanned over two passports, in the past 10 years??? And if I forget one, will you deport me?

And now we reach the trick questions.
Part 8. Information About Your Marital History.
Part 8.G. How many times has your current spouse been married (including annulled marriages)?
Umm...err....okay, 'been' as in 'before he married me'? or 'been' as in 'so far'? To be safe, I text message the question to my spouse. His reply: 1. Ok, fine - 1 it is. [Though after the third call to my spouse he declared right out, "you call me one more time with these silly questions, and you'll be writing 2 in this part!"]

Part 10.A.6. Do you have any title of nobility in any foreign country? No, but I'm dying to find out what this means for them. Do they get the red carpet treatment? Or the public flogging?

Part 10.B.8.a. Have you EVER been a member of or associated with any organization, association, fund, foundation, party, club, society, or similar group in the United States or in any other place? Well, according to all the junk mail I get I'm a member of a couple dozen associations and foundations just by default of paying $10 one time when I felt charitable. Does that count?

Part 10.B.9.c Have you EVER been a member of or in any way associated (either directly or indirectly) with: A terrorist organization? At this point I'd like to express my concern at the American government's method of finding terrorists. I'm just not too confident this will work. But hey, what the heck, I'll be a trooper and answer "no."

Part 10.B.11 Have you ever persecuted (either directly or indirectly) any person because of race, religion, national origin, membership in a particular social group, or political opinion? Now here's the thing, I didn't persecute anyone. But I definitely harrassed a couple of Israelis for holding a right-(read: wrong)-wing political view. Of course, this carries about zero relevance to your question, but I want you to know that I'm on the U.S.-side on this issue. DeSettle them all, I say.

Part 10.B.12. Between March 23, 1933 and May 8, 1945.... Okay, seriously folks, I just told you I was born decades later. You can't possibly hold me accountable for something my previous reincarnation had done. Can you?


Fun part is here:
Part 10. D. Good Moral Character. I should pass this with flying colours! Oh, sorry - colors (do I also need to learn how to spell and speak like Americans to pass this citizenship test?).

Part 10.D.22.a. Have you EVER been a habitual drunkard? Define habitual? And I'd like to report some friends who should be accused of "behaviour of unbecoming a citizen."
Part 10.D.22.b. Have you EVER been a prostitute, or procured anyone for prostitution? Bummer. The U.S. draws the line at prostitutes becoming citizens.

And now we're off to the most difficult part of this questionnaire. The Oath Requirements.
Part 10.H.35. Do you understand the full Oath of Allegiance to the United States? Yeah, yeah, get on with it.

Part 10.H.37. If the law requires it, are you willing to bear arms on behalf of the United States? WHOA! Now wait a minute. Hold on! NOW you ask me this??? Forget the other 16 pages. Stop the train, I'm getting off. This was all fun and entertaining. But this is serious shit here. You want me to do WHAT? Ummm...I have the right to maintain dual citizenship. This means I bear arms on behalf of Israel. If Congress decides to declare war against Israel, you're on your own. I'm not bearing no arms. You carry your own damn weapons.

Yup, I'll be a model citizen, I will. Just you wait.

Oh yeah, I forgot - there's still 100 questions to answer on the test. A good reason for a whole new post...

A post by Mybrid.

21 Comments:

Blogger aNON said...

first!

7:38 AM  
Blogger Mybrid said...

CHEAT!

9:32 AM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Wow. What do they have against drunks, johns, and prostitutes? :\

Geez, glad Edgar Allen Poe was born here and didn't move here these days from another country.

The dumbest part is when they ask if you've ever been a terrorist. Like a terrorist is going to admit that. Amazing how my tax money is spent.

1:23 PM  
Blogger aNON said...

Who's in charge of this stuff now? I forget.

Do we have Condoleeza in the house this afternoon to shed some insight? (I trust her the most out of the other 3 big wigs who blabbed their mouth on here - kinda sad).

I was most bummed out by the prostitutes' question, who doesn't love Las Postitutas? They make the world a better place, everyone knows that.

4:30 PM  
Blogger aNON said...

Oh yeah, I also meant to comment on part Part 10.B.12 - My PERSONAL favorite.

The question (basically): Between 1933 and 1945, were you a Nazi?

If I were you, an Israeli being asked this question, I would write 'FUCK NO!!!' (just to cuss on the form)

When confronted later (about my cussing on the form), I'd express my deep emotional distress and explain that I have uncontrollable, involuntary and crass reactions whenever I hear or see the word 'NAZI'.

4:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Michael Chertoff.

Michael is a riot in bed you foreigners should try him out sometime.

5:25 PM  
Blogger Mybrid said...

CS, I'm laughing my ass off at your suggestion about the Nazi. That's absolutely awesome. I think in the interview I'll definitely say that to the agent!!!

As for the prostitutes - I'm with ya. Though I'm fairly happy that they don't seem bothered by gigolos or male strippers entering the U.S. - so I'm fine with that.

ZS, funny thing is that this is MY tax money, too, paying these agents to come up with these questions.

SG, not only is my spouse a U.S. citizen, but he's a former Navy serviceman (13 years no less!), and works for department-of-you-know-what!!! All this grants me is an insight into the internal mess that runs this government. No other benefits involved.
Glad I got you laughing out loud. When people ask you why you're laughing, feel free to direct them to this blog. ;)

5:25 PM  
Blogger aNON said...

Wow - this is A mess.

Who the hell is Michael Chertoff?

What a wondrous society, one minute we're discussing Nazi responses and then we nicely move onto bizarre, kinky sex (again, another favorite of mine).

I'm going to bowl.

PS: I was saying I trusted Condi more than the "B word" and Hoover. Evidently, rightfully so, She seems to have all my answers. Besides, I can bet she's far more kinky and bizarre where it matters most.

6:51 PM  
Blogger aNON said...

.

10:12 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Mybrid - yeah, I know. I should have said "our."

As for bearing arms, you would bear arms if we were surrounded by zombies, right?

10:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

CS-

"Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said Tuesday that Americans need to ease their concerns about turning over personal information to the government."

He makes ya feel all safe and fuzzy, doesn't he?

10:38 PM  
Blogger funny bunny said...

Funny post...thanks for that mybrid!

Greencard! didn't know it was such a drage to get one of those..
*enlightned*

2:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ZS, I believe there's a dyslexic error in the form. Instead of "bear arms" it's supposed to be "arm bears." Though I can't imagine the implication of THAT.

5:24 AM  
Blogger Mybrid said...

tenxinchoden, it's actually not the Green card that's so funny to get, but the American citizenship. The green card (which actually PINK!) I've had for ten years now.

5:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

CS, regarding your distress about immigration of prostitutes - it's very likely that the U.S. would prefer not to ruin homegrown industry by outsourcing this one.

But heck, what do I know?!

5:28 AM  
Blogger funny bunny said...

mybrid mi man!!!....why the hell do you want to become a citizen of America? didn't you hear that song that goes 'don't wanna be an american idiot....'
AND
Why is the greencard 'piNK' and not "GREEN'....it should be called the 'pinkie' heheh

6:06 AM  
Blogger Mybrid said...

Tenxinchoden, the reason why I want to become a U.S. Citizen was stated all the way at the top of my post:
Question # 86: Name one benefit of being a citizen of the United States.
Answer # 86: Obtain federal government jobs...

I LOVE working with the U.S. Government. There are many contracts I cannot go for because I'm not a citizen. And that sucks.

I'll be damned if I know why the green card is actually pink. I imagine the agent was colour blind. I mean com'n, Maroon eye colour???!

6:56 AM  
Blogger aNON said...

is "asoutherngirl" different from "southerngirl" ?

TFL,
Don't say anything silly on the test. Act like the RR for those several hours.

Tenxin,
Greencard! didn't know it was such a drag to get one of those..
If I had to start over again, It'd be easier for me to become a prostitute than get a greencard. It's THAT hard.

Ybrid (1),
Arming bears would be much easier, I suppose. Kick them in the balls like that Salmon commercial.

Mybrid,
I believe the "pink" greencard is a special one. Courtesy of the very feminine Condi.

Ybrid (2),
Ha! That's probably one "homegrown industry" that could use some outsourcing (until they become citizens). Then, there'll be a need to 'refresh' the streets. HOs are cool man.

Tenxin (2),
'don't wanna be an american idiot....'

If a Green Card is pink, and HOs are cool, what does that make a Green Day?

EVERYONE,

I SUCK at bowling. Who gets a 49 in 10 frames of bowling?!?!!? Only a spaz, only...a...spaz.

I had my fingers in what we've come to know as one of the NASTIEST publicly accessible orifices [insert prostitute joke], for no good reason.

7:39 AM  
Blogger Mybrid said...

SG: "...will only use those really light kids' balls that I can barely get my fingers into (which is probably a good thing)."

Would you care to rephrase that?

12:33 PM  
Blogger aNON said...

I'm out for blood today.

5 pm, court time.

2:37 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

SG - Sure. As long as you hit the zombies and not one of the living, that should suffice. :)

8:45 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home

blogarama