Things That Go Bump in the Night

As always, the weekend was uneventful (again, that’s not a bad thing). Friday night was better than Saturday and we all know that any day is better than Sunday.

I’ve always been highly irritated by people who go to public places and then have issues when strangers bump into them, brush by them or inadvertantly have any sort of contact. You fucking idiots. Stay your ass home if you’re one of those people. What do you think will happen in a place where decent sized crowds congregate?

Of course I’m writing from a bystander point of view, I only SEE people bumping into other people, and never do it myself. This never happens to me because I was blessed with the agility of a frigid fox. I’m just saying... I’ve had this observation and seen so many instances of what I consider unreasonable reactions. One might ask, what is an unreasonable reaction? Well …

1) Certainly, if you react with anything physical such as a ‘push’ back, you’ve just reacted unreasonably.
2) When you interrupt your conversation and turn to give the person a dirty look, you’ve just reacted unreasonably.
3) When you give the your ‘apology/ insincere hand wave’ not accepted look, you’ve just reacted unreasonably.
4) When you ‘brush off’ the area where someone made contact, you’ve just reacted unreasonably.
5) When you use the dew from your glass to ‘wash away’ the contact area, you’ve just reacted unreasonably.

I’ve seen several of these reactions and have always been tempted to intervene by saying something (alright, I'll admit - any intervention would definitely up the night's entertainment value). I’m going to have to be frank here, and say that most these reactions I’ve seen have come from women. Ladies, what’s going on? Why is this an issue for you? You’re dishing out more attitudes than you can handle (as always) and NO, time of the month is not a fucking excuse to be rude.

Clearly, should one chose to return the favor by reacting to your unreasonable reaction and being mean … they could. I’ve taken the liberty to come up with some lines for those who don’t like to let things go and get offended by any of the unreasonable reactions mentioned above. Feel free to use them (I never will because remember, I have the agility of a frigid fox):

“Oh, I’m sorry – you take up so much space that I don’t see how it’s possible not to bump into you.”

“Oh sorry, you looked kinda good from behind, but then I saw your face.”

“Oh, my apologies … I just wanted to make sure you weren’t a Halloween prop.”

This weekend, I witnessed what I consider the best and most reasonable reaction to the “things that go bump in the night”. This comes to us courtesy of Erin. It was late in the night/ early in the morning, the crowds were simultaneously pouring out in masses. People were bumping into each other everywhere (but not me) and sure enough, Erin was bumped into by some random. This is how it went down:

The guy turned around and apologized (as most normal people would do) as he continued walking on his way. Instead of reacting unreasonably, Erin coolly quipped, “It’s okay, I liked it.”
Of course, the guy had to stop, turn around and come back thinking she was dead serious. This was great comedy at that time of the night. The award for classiest (or funniest) response to something that goes bump in the night goes to Erin.

Which brings us to what I call damage control and I’ve got to make a short mention of those several damage control techniques.

We’ve all seen the raising of the hand, as an (insincere) apology, but my recommendation is that you do it anyways … just to be nice. There’s also the verbal “I’m sorry” or “excuse me”, which frankly (notice how I’m being very frank today), most people don’t deserve. My personal favorite is the sideways shuffle. Forget the whole part about these people being aloof shit-holes who are opposed to the idea of contact, just turn sideways and risk a sexual misinterpretation of the whole thing. Go ahead; rub your shit on their shit.

Last but not least, no discussion about “things that go bump in the night” would be complete without discussing The Skeleton Key. I did see the movie this weekend and I hereby reserve any discussion about it because I can’t intelligently do so without giving it away. I’ve learned my lesson after hearing it from sense-of-humorless Harry Potter fanatics. Speaking of, can someone tell me what REALLY happened in that damn book? I need it for conversation starters.

Note: I’ve decided that I need to go on a hiatus from blogging for a little while, maybe I’ll move to Bahrain and buy an island, the isle of molestaboyé, to be more specific (remember, it’s Monday). But seriously, more on the subject in this week’s posts. Jam of the moment Edward Shearmur “Death Letter. ”